monday cry (unedited)

Hey. Hi.

What's new with you?

There's nothing new.

Box of tissues. Is it that day? I'm so sorry.

I was like, there's nothing new.

What are you processing today? Is it are you angry at or are you sad geared and towards who?

Very sad. Aw.

I'm so sorry.

Anything in particular.

Is it all, like, knowing that you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm kinda thing? Yeah. But, also, it's like

I feel like people need people to believe in them.

Of course.

It felt like I really wanted to believe in you. I real not wanted. I really want to believe in you, and I don't want you to think that I don't believe in you. But also I'm, like,

I'm burning or it's draining or, like, I like, the whole I can't keep myself I I can't set myself in fire to keep you warm. It's, like, it's draining me, but I really wanna believe in you.

Yeah. I think it's a difference between wanting to do something versus being capable of doing it. And our roles change in people's lives. Like, you know, you hear that whole saying about people

are in

your life for a reason, for a season, and for something else. I don't remember. But

For a listen? What is that saying?

That's gonna help me now. But, like,

and we are alive for a reason season or a lifetime.

Ouch. Ouch. Oops. Ouch. So for

a reason, they come into your life to meet a specific need, teach you a lesson, or help you through a difficult time. Once the lesson is learned or the problem is solved, they naturally move on. For a season, these connections last for a certain period of your life. They often bring immense joy, shared experiences, and support, but their purpose is tied to a specific chapter, like a college roommate or a coworker. And then for a lifetime, these are your deep enduring bonds. They stay by your side through the ebbs and flows of life, offering constant love, support, and growth.

So I think you've gotta place this relationship at the moment. Again, I never want to

I wanted to be the lifetime person. Yeah.

For him. Right? But is this a sucky thing? Well, not the sucky. The beautiful thing about a relationship that it goes both ways, and it can't just be maintained by one way. And I think that's what's draining you is you were maintaining it. It was a one way relationship

I just feel like

than the other way.

I just feel like I was very like, I showed up and prioritized this person, and they couldn't return the favor. I don't know. And they probably think differently because, like I said, we have

best they could.

We have very different, like, ideas of what it's supposed to look like. Right?

Yeah. Well, you know, I think you both had the same

desires for the relationship.

I just think you both had different limits or different abilities. And for him too, like, showing up and this is this is also compatibility in values. Right? Like, you might want, you know, a partner that shows up in a certain way, and he thinks it's enough, like, having a lifetime partner. This is the way, you know, he feels like it be should done, or he's like, oh, I don't need more than just this.

And you're like, well, I need more than that. And I think it's just a compatibility. But, again, Kai, remember it's also I really do believe that a lot of it has to do with maturity and and point in life. Like, he has a lot he's dealing with. And although you really wanted to play a role of supporting and being the one by his side through it all,

You don't have your cup filled to do that, and he doesn't have the ability to fill your cup to do that. Like, it should be like, okay. I can stand by your side because I'm getting enough of my love cup filled. And for he's not able to do that for you because he himself is not whole or or healthy. And I think you guys you know, it is unfortunate

it's an unfortunate

moment in life that you guys met in such, like, incompatible seasons, I would say. I don't know from, you know, from the love and the grief that you're experiencing right now. It sounds like there's a lot of personality and

mental and emotional and physical compatibility. It's just the seasons in your life. You both have a lot of growing to do in order to be that lifetime kind of partners.

I can't get rid of the feeling of being betrayed.

I think that's your body's way of making sense of how come you got so hurt.

And you can't listen. From the way that last interaction was, the last messages you showed me, he was retaliating, and he tells me that he was hurt too. He just has a sucky of way showing it. He's kind of in that anger phase of things.

And that's what makes it, like, ex like, the clearest when that happens. And I'm like, okay. Great.

You're in your feelings again. And

You don't get to.

I'm not protected.

Yeah.

And that's what that's what sucks because even when I'm in my feelings, I have that instinct to protect him, but it's doesn't go both ways. Yeah. And I'm like, man, who's gonna protect me that I have to protect me?

It is exhausting.

And then I get resentful because I'm like, why is it that I can't protect you, but you can't protect me? Like, what the heck?

Because he has stuff he hasn't like, he hasn't grown up yet. How's that? Like, there's just things that he needs grow to up on. I mean, it's probably not helpful for your psyche, but it is not for lack of want or for lack of love. It is just for lack of ability. Right? Like, if someone hasn't learned to walk yet, you can't resent him for not walking even if he, you know, he wants to.

So it's just he just hasn't developed the maturity and life skills and relationship skills in order to give you the same thing that you were able to give him, like, protect you, to take care of you, to go beyond himself. Right? Like, you just fell in love with an immature person and an underdeveloped

underdeveloped human partner. And it's not like, you know

But he wanted to. The thing is he really wanted to grow. He was working on it, but it I was just like, what am I supposed to hold on to in the meantime? In the meantime, I'm getting hurt.

Yeah. And I think that's why you guys did the right thing to, like, step aside and go in your own ways, and it does suck. Like, listen. I was there where it's like, I was ready, you were not. And then what sucked is he was finally ready, but I found my person. And I was like, well, if we had met, you know, and you were ready and I was ready, it would have worked. But sometimes that just

that's why I believe there's there's more than one person. And and the one person that is forever is on the same trajectory as you are and not not behind. It's up to you if you want to spend time waiting for this person, which I think would be doing you a disservice.

Oh, I did, but then they were like, yeah. I'm gonna let my emotions control this whole conversation, and I'm like, okay. That's like What do

you mean? Like, what what where were you waiting or letting your emotions?

For the longest time, like, whenever I would bring up, hey. This is hurting me, or you shouldn't do it this way, or this is not how I should be treated. This is not what I deserve.

Yeah. What does he say?

He works on it, but he's like, it's gonna take time. You have to give me time because unpacking everything is heavy in therapy. It takes a lot of energy. And, unfortunately, we have very different limitations even in terms of energy.

Well, you're

sister, Ty.

Like, even if it is him or another person, I think finding your energy outside of him, finding your, like, ways to refresh yourself and to find, like

and this kind of what uncle Albert said is when you lay it all on that one person, like your your destiny, your joy, your fulfillment, if you're waiting for him to fill that, then you you are gonna drain. And so sometimes being there for a person during their time of growth may mean that you need find to elsewhere in order to be there for him. And if that is scary because he's not giving us much, then that's, you know, that's where I think the disconnect in your brain is like, hold on.

Is this worth the risk? What if he gets all healed and then he doesn't choose you? Right? It's kind of like that whole thing where, like, you support someone through medical school, and then they leave you once they're a doctor. Like, you've heard those stories. Like

That wasn't what I was scared of. It it or worried about. Like Mhmm. When I say, like, we have different energy levels, I mean, like like, that whole, like, I'm the type of person that will be like,

if I make up my mind, I'll do it. And he's the type of person. He's the type of person that's just like, I can only do this much today. And I was like

That's not

enough for you. So here's my question for you. If that's all he can do and it's not fulfilling you, are you able to find the the what do you call? Like, what's missing, like, the

menopause brain.

Whatever is lacking. There's a word for it. Whatever is lacking that he couldn't fill, can you fill that somewhere else and not expect it from him? I think that is, like,

healing. Right? That is your work to do.

I overhear, like, no. I don't believe in open relationships.

Well, so that it like, if you think that only, like so here's the thing. It's not even so much, like,

because I think physically

Intention, attention, respect. Oh my god. Respect is the one that really triggered me the most whenever I felt disrespected. I'm just like, that was not cool. And he was like, I don't see what you mean. And I'm like, oh my god. Why do I have to explain this to you? Alright. You didn't grow up with sisters. That is disrespectful to your partner.

Yeah.

I know.

I can only imagine because that yeah. Like like what you had posted, like, you don't wanna have to teach them how to like, that was the work. And I will tell you, I have had conversations just like that with uncle Albert even after we are married. When there are some things that are really frustrating and I am kind of out of

like, I don't have the what do you call it? I don't have the

the patience to or, like, the energy to teach it to him. I will literally, like, go take a course, go read a book, Go to talk to a therapist about meeting this need in me because I can't teach you. The thing is we're already married, and it's not like, you know, I have to wait for him to learn that, and then I needed to figure out, okay. How can I feel loved and respected in other ways? But knowing that he's working on it.

Right? He's he's committed to their relationship. I'm not sure what you need in order to, like, feel, you know, feel like you have

Sometimes I feel like this is basic respect, common sense. Right. And then he's like, well, I had no idea. And I'm like, okay. Is it not and then I talked to one of my base best friends, and they're like, well, that's basic. I'm like, I wasn't crazy then.

No. You probably weren't. He, like

you know, again, there's probably some things about there's probably some things about

life that he probably never never learned or never,

you know, never really was taught. And it whether it's not having sisters, but just even, like, decency and respect. And I you have to be

And keep in mind, this is someone who grew up away from his parents.

Like, he had to raise himself. So think about, like, Peter Pan and the whatever boys of the island. Know?

Boys?

The lost boys. Yeah. Like, they're not gonna have the manners that probably was

was required of, like, normal people. Anyway,

I I think that you you as Kyla have may have a limit of what you can,

like, what you can handle. Also, because you didn't have the

you didn't have the

what do you call it? Like, you didn't have the

the security and safety of a constant in your life. Right? A constant love. So that's your limitation too because if he you know, maybe if he was working through some of this stuff that he's working through and you were someone who had

who had that security, like, are secure in yourself, you are secure in what you're able to give this relationship, and you don't have this, like, desperate need for confirmation from him, you might be able to handle his whatever stage he's in right now. But you're bringing your own,

you know, your own trauma into this relationship too, which makes it hard to like, both of you have traumas that are not compatible. They might be alike, but they don't they don't balance each other out. You both have, like, okay. I need this in order to feel safe, and you obviously did not learn the skills that I needed to feel safe, if that makes sense. Like, you are you you have your own fears that is not allowing you to, like, stand strong without his assurance.

And, again, I feel like you like, if you had if you had safety in who you are and in what you bring to the table and you are not needing him, you can hold that boundary.

But I do know what I bring to I know I'm an awesome person.

Just But, like, you can be like

you can

here's the thing. You are an awesome person. You have a lot to bring to the table. However, you really do struggle with boundaries. And so in order to, like, say

But that's what I was trying to say.

I'm not gonna put up with this. I need you to do x, y, and z, and I will be here when you're able to do x, y, and z. But not be scared, for example, that he's gonna go off and run off with any somebody else or that he's going to whatever. Or, like, be able to say, hey. I don't appreciate it when you share our struggles with another woman who is supposedly just a friend but has a lot of influence over you.

You know? Because here's the thing. He should be taking this to family member. Right? Not some random chick that he met on the Internet and is now bound to emotionally and whatever. Like, that is unhealthy. Right? Like, hey. Can you establish your

your feelings of, like, stability with somebody else, not this woman? I it that should be a a normal, like, ask. Like, can you not use another woman to, like, process your thoughts and your whatever? And you shouldn't feel bad about asking that because you did. You started defending this Dora lady. And I'm like, why? Why would you do that? Why are you

But that's not romantic. It's done like girl like that. Swear.

Case in point.

Because I feel like you have to grow.

No. Because I feel like like, for example, like, when I convinced him to keep those friendships that he was trying to cut off. Did I tell you about all that? Like, both the couple and Dora?

Yes. You should have been you know what? That is on that is for you to figure out. And if you're doing it for this relationship and you believe it's right, thank you. Like, I appreciate the work that you're doing. However, I do think you do need people in your lives. So where and how are you gonna build that? Right? Like, you can't be his everything.

No. But that's why when when he when he was, like, considering cutting off these people, and I was like,

it's unfair on them because I know him.

Here's the thing. You don't get to do that.

Because okay. Look. It's because I know him. And back in July when we had that fight, I knew that I've seen firsthand what he turned me into. Like, I was talking to Ali. It's like What

do you mean turned you into? Do tell.

When he broke up with me, he posted a public message in our Discord server, which is like a group chat with ten people.

Mhmm.

And

said July breakup? Yeah. Okay.

And then he sent me a message full of accusations. Again, the cowritten message. And within that message in the Discord server and the message that he sent me, I'm like, I have been talking to you for how many months, and I do not recognize this person that you're, like, talking about. Like, basically, I told him, you painted me in colors that that that don't belong to me. Like, I don't recognize the person that you were talking about.

Who I am.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, that's not me. Is that your

but here's the thing. Is that your view of me? Is that what you think I am?

No. That's what I'm saying. I know that when he gets in that state of mind where he's bad, then he gets so easily confused, And he turns like he it's like he villainizes people. And that's what I recognized him doing with his friends. I'm like, I know that because you did that to me, and you're villainizing them. I'm like, you have known these people for seven years, four years, and now you're starting to talk shit about them. I'm like, I know. I know. I recognize that. You did that to me in July.

Yeah. But you don't so then you get to question his motives on that, but you don't get to defend. Like, you cannot sit there and defend his. You can question him, but you have no idea their relationship. You you can, like, say, hey. Let's, you know, take a let's take let's take a beat and and explore why you're saying this about them. And if you can say those things about them in that way, like, what does that say about you as a friend? Right? But don't sit there and, like, try to, like, no.

You have to be friends with Dora. such She's a nice girl.

Well, I didn't say that. I was more like, okay. Did you really think about it? Because, for example, the couple, I'm like, these people have been with you for seven years, and and the things that you're complaining to me about is them just trying to be your friend. Like, of course, they're gonna be on your side. They don't know me. Of course, they're gonna, like, try to

of course, they're gonna, like, want what's best for you. But then I started realizing later, and I also unpacked this with Ellie. I was like, I started realizing this later. Like, I I think I mentioned it to you too. I was like,

the accountability part, I'm like,

okay. When you go to them and you're complaining about me, like, somehow, like, it's my fault. And then when you come to me, you're complaining to them it's their fault. I'm like, where are you in all of this? Yeah. And also, like and also, like, just tiny lies. Just tiny lies that I would always pick up on. And it's not even, like, big lies. It's like, for example, like, when we agreed to go to, like, the dinner with the Yeltsinia Mila, the couple in Amsterdam. Right? And he was and he was like, okay. So they responded, and this is where we're going, like, this this restaurant by the stadium.

And it bothered me when I found out, this is the restaurant that they suggested. It bothered me when I found it's so tiny, but I was like, why did it bother me when I found out that's not the restaurant they suggested. You suggested that. You brought that up to them, and they agreed. And and it's it's not even that big of a deal. It's such a tiny thing, but it nags at me when I, like, when I sense all this, like,

falsehood white lies maybe because it makes me feel like not just makes me feel, but I I I kept getting the sense that you're always twisting the narrative to benefit you kinda thing.

That face. I was like, there's all and and sometimes I also feel like I also feel like he's not doing it on purpose, but he is very avoidant about conflict because he hates, like, feeling like it's his fault or being blamed.

It's a character thing, girl. You'd be a great guy, but that's a character thing. And he not that he can't grow from that, but that's a character thing.

What do you mean by that's a character thing?

Like, that is that is a character fault. Like, that is someone who probably stems from his parents, him thinking that he was on at fault for his parents' divorce, blah blah blah blah blah blah. But, like, he that that doesn't feel like a safe person yet. Like, he needs to get over that and find, like

And that was one of the the the the the things that we kept not arguing about that I kept having to try to teach him. I'm like, it conflict is okay. I do not hate you. Sometimes you have to talk through the hard parts.

He's gonna default to that because that's what he has learned, how to cope with life and to avoid conflict.

Yeah. Because he doesn't wanna feel like

discouraged to face conflict.

And, like, because he doesn't wanna feel like it's his fault, but I'm just like, I'm over there thinking if it matters, you really have to

You have to fucking accountability for his actions. He will always find excuses, and I'm not sure that I do not think any person, no matter how healthy I take it back. You have some growing to do, but I don't care how healthy you are. A equal partner should not be parenting someone through that. Like, you cannot parent him. Right? Like, is deep core, like, mental mindset that,

like Because, like, I I was I was also I was also word

it's not narcissism, but it's there's another word for that. Like

Rejection sensitivity or something. I don't know, but it it it's something I unpacked with Ellie too. I was saying, like, it's like

like I said, he doesn't do it on purpose, but but it feels like he naturally defaults to and that's where, like, the whole lack of accountability comes from. But there was a thought. Why did it fly away? Oh my god. My brain.

Like, the whole twisting the narrative to benefit himself sometimes. Like, I I I genuinely don't think that most of the times, I don't think he notices or even that he's doing it, but I'm I'm still saying, Ellie, I'm like, no wonder I never trusted whatever you said because whenever whenever he and it's part of the whole, like, villainizing other his friends or villainizing me. It's like, whenever it it came to the point that whenever he said something

whenever he said something like

oh oh, yeah. Here. This is what I was thinking. I realized that why those relationships were so dysfunctional is because he couldn't set boundaries with them. And I'm like

There's a common denominator.

And I'm like because he would complain to me about, like, oh, I hate that I have to go on stream because, like, I'm so exhausted or, like, I hate that, like, I feel like I have to carry the vibes of the stream. And then I'm like, you can't just say that you're tired from work. It's like, no. But then they're expecting me to be there, and I feel like I'm letting everybody down. And, like, and I'm like, it's not your job. Like, you can just say no. And then he's and and and he's like and it's, like, almost like, you don't get it, and then he'll stream anyway.

And for example, with Nielsen, Yamila, like, he's upset with them because they said something or he feels like they're mad at him, and it's, like, this tension that he keeps like, that he hates, that that there's this tension that they're mad at him, and and that stresses him out. Like, there were, like, a period of months where I'm like and any text from them would just set him off, like like, spot like like, make him feel bad. Like, it was bad for his mental health kinda thing. And then I'm just like, you can say that.

You can tell them that. Like, you can say tell tell them no or tell them this makes me uncomfortable, and he would never do it. And I'm like, just tell them it makes you uncomfortable. And he's like, no. But, like, it it's, like, almost like a people plead like, he didn't have any boundaries with them. I'm like, no wonder. Like, it's I felt like it was dysfunctional. Like, you don't know how to set boundaries. Because I'm like, if they're your friend, they would get it if you said no. If they're your friend, it's fine if you said they're they've been your friends for years. They they like, friends do this. Like, you can you can literally just say, like, I'm tired, or you can literally just say that, hey.

Like, call out that that upset me because I'm like, I like, if something upset me with one of my friends, I would tell them that it upset me. They would tell me something upset me, and we wouldn't like, it wouldn't be this, like

It wouldn't break your relationship.

It wouldn't be this whole, I feel like, doomsday thing you're thinking about. Like, damaging thing. If if if we disagree, it's not that damaging. Like, you can just disagree and then get over it. Like, that's how friendships work. But that's not how that's not how he operated. He always operated under a place where he didn't want them to be mad at him. Or and so, like and so it's like it's like that period of time when we were fighting when I was like, you are uncomfortable about this. Say this to them.

And he was like, you don't get it. I tried to bring it up eight times, and they're not reading into it. And I'm like, if

Who is it? Don't read. Like, there should be no reading into it. There should be very clear this is this.

Or they're not picking up on it is what he's saying. So, like and and I'm looking at him like, are you sure? Because I know how you phrase things, and you, like, put that sentence in the middle of, like, a whole paragraph that's not related. It gets lost in there. They won't be able to pick up on that kind of thing. And I'm like and and, what was I thinking?

What was I thinking? My brain is not working on me today.

Welcome to my world.

I'm so glad it's not just me.

It's just

Take your time. I'm here all day.

I it got lost. Anyway, all to say, it's always they're this they way, and they're that way, and they're this way, and they're that way, and and then then, like, part of me is just side eyeing him, and I'm like, are you sure? Because I know you. Yeah. I'm like Yeah. Because because I know how you can get

do what what does he do when you question his motives or his ability to actually communicate and make you know? Like yeah. What how does he react to that?

Like Is he

open to the idea that, you know what? He has to room grow here, or is he adamant that this is the only way nobody gets it?

No. Because it's it's like

for example, when when I said because oh, yeah. It's the whole throwing books thing. I told you about the throwing books. Right? Nope. Okay. There's a book thing thrown. Okay. So when he woke up with me in July, he went to see that couple friend a couple friends of his. Mhmm. And they're, like, four hours away by train, and he went to them. After he broke up with me, he went to spend time with them.

Oh, I do remember you talking about that. And

then, apparently, they went and got into some sort of fight because he was already regretting it.

I remember the throwing books.

Yeah. And she threw books at him kinda thing.

That's not a friend.

Yeah.

World. Yeah. And he was okay with it?

For no. He was he was he didn't like that. Like, he's like he felt very uncomfortable because of that because of that fight. Like, he felt very uncomfortable within that relationship. What were they upset about? That he was sad, and he was talking about regretting, like, the breakup and all that. And they were like, oh my god. Like, exasperated. Yeah. Yeah. They were already exasperated with him. It's like, oh my god. You're already dead. I just move on kinda thing. And then and then so for the longest time, like, that whole book throwing thing. And then, like, months after that, like, if they would text him, like, it would, like he would because it would make him feel so bad.

Like, he would sort of it was really not good for his mental health. He would have breakdowns, basically. And, like, he would just feel so bad. And then,

and then there was a point where they made some sort of joke about throwing books. And then I was like, do they know that you're not okay with the whole book throwing thing? Because it's really disrespectful if they think it's fine to make jokes about it while you're so upset about it. And he was like, yeah. They know because I I'm fighting with them. Like, even now even now months later because I have met these people, and I have talked to these people. I just feel like you weren't direct with them.

Like, even at this point, I was like, I've met these people, I've I've had conversations with these people. And I I can't say that I know them as well as you, but I do know you. And I really feel like you don't give them a chance to be good friends.

Or they're just not good friends. Does that ever cross their mind?

I thought about that, and that's why I wasn't comfortable with them for a while. That's why I wanted to meet them so I could get more comfortable with them. But for example, like

But are they healthy friends, though? Because, like, I beg to differ that this Dora person who's married and who the likes control she has over him

I think she just likes the influence because she's a streamer. Like, she's, like, one of the celebrities that likes attention.

Yeah. But that's that's exactly what I'm saying. Like, is that the kind of friends that you really want advising you on relationships? For example, I may not be the friend you're gonna go drinking with or whatever. That's that's fine. That's not my role. But I hope that I can give some good advice or sense just based on my relationships and what I've been through. Right? But if he is, like, going drinking or streaming with these people and he thinks that's the right people to get relationship advice from, like, not like, do they have a track record? Are they, like, the kind who will stick up for him and you know, like or are they just the nice people that he you know? Like

The comfortable people. Yeah.

Yeah. They are definitely, like

I I I have different friends for different, like Roles? Or Yes. In my life. And I don't necessarily think that every single one of them is going to be who I will call on for. You know? Like, for example, I have a girlfriend who has been single. She's like her late she's like a year or two older than me, so she would be, like, forty eight. Right? And she just finished her PhD.

Amazingly smart and diligent person. She's not who I'm going to for marriage advice. Now if if I wanted to go back to school and I wanted to take my doctorate, I would go to her, and she would be an awesome friend. Or if I wanted to go on an adventure that didn't involve children or husbands, I would go to her and be like, hey. Do you wanna go on this trip with me? It's gonna be a girl's trip. But I won't be going to her for relationship advice. Like, that's not the thing is he doesn't have as many people.

Right? And so it's like, ugh. Like, do you you you kind of he ends up going to people that really don't have his best interest in mind. And like you were saying, you are even making excuses for Dora. Like, oh, this is the way she is because of what she does. I'm like, okay. But would you go to her for relationship advice?

If she's I'm just saying she just has good intentions, but

Not the right person person to, like, give him advice about his girlfriend that he's struggling with, honestly. Like, I don't know. I don't know. Just saying.

But, yeah, it was it was very it was very much

it was very much at the end at the end, it's very much like a yeah. I know how you get when you're mad and your your brain runs away with everything and then suddenly you twist everyone into this way. And I know how you get when you tell me things and and there's like you might not even notice it, but when I catch those little white lies, it makes me feel even more unsafe. It makes me feel even more like I can't trust you. Mhmm. Because these small lies just I don't know. They bug me. They're small, but they bug me because I'm like, yeah.

That was twisted to fit your narrative. I'm

like Yeah.

I don't know.

And what does he say when you bring these things up? Like, hey. I've caught you in these sliced, or have I caught you, like, bad mouthing people when you're angry instead of, like, you know, thinking through and being logical, you become emotional. And, you know, and I do I do I know very well that feeling of, great. You're having a breakdown. So, no, I don't get to have a breakdown. I have to be the strong one and, like, you know, be the one to carry us

Which is basically what I felt with his friends. I'm like, great. Now you're now I I I was the one that wasn't comfortable with them, but I guess I should not be uncomfortable with them because you're taking it to the whole opposite extreme.

Yeah.

I'm like, I just wanted to be okay being uncomfortable with his friends, but now I have to self regulate you.

That's tiring, my dear, even for someone who is whole and healed. I'm saying. Like, that's tiring.

It's hard to say what he says because a lot of the times a lot of the times we devolve into fighting and arguing. Yeah. And then, I mean, there will be points where he'll be like, I know that I have so many mistakes, but I'll work on it. And I'm like, looking at the pile of things that you said you'd work on. I'm like, get I'm like, how much time?

Ouch. Yeah.

Like but I and and what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

That is a fair question. That is like,

I don't get fed while you're doing this, while you're growing and healing.

That's fair, my my dearest niece. That is fair.

Which is a conversation that we'd we've had multiple times where I'm like,

where I would verbalize that that

that my needs aren't being met or rather, like, I don't deserve this. Mhmm. And it was always just it's gonna take time, and I was fine. Like I said, I was fine giving that time even though I was clearly, I was being drained. Being drained by and and basically, like, setting myself on fire to keep you warm type of thing. Yeah. But it was more of that because for the longest time,

what

attracted me to him is that he wanted to be better, and he was taking steps to be better

compared to, like, past relationships where they say it, but they don't actually do anything about it, or there not was even any desire to be better in the first place. So I'm like, you want it, and you are trying. Like, you are working on it.

And he always said that he would never stop trying. But when he broke up with me, I was like, okay. Like, now you're just outright yelling, and this is, like, a really tough part of the relationship to be in, and, like, it feels it was a really, really bad place. I was like, I don't even care. Like, yeah, you're mad at me right now because I transcribe your prayers, but all I really wanna know is if you wanna stop trying. Yeah. Because I said, I'm not gonna close the door. Like, you can go whenever you want. I'm gonna beg for you to stay.

I'm not gonna keep you here if you don't wanna be here. And then then he said, yeah. I wanna stop trying. And then I'm like, okay. So that sounds like we've we've had breakups and on against and off against, like, July. And then I have tried to break up with him a couple of times, but I always rely on that he'll never wanna stop trying. So when he said, I I do want to stop trying, then that's when I was like I called Elliot, and I was like, I think it's over, like, for real for real. Like, final. Like, final, like, non.

It's actually over now because, like, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna force you to try if you don't want to. Yeah. Gonna Like,

how did he can I ask, like, in

in the in the recent like, since that, like, final breakup, has he, like, tried to aside from trying to blame you and making you feel like crap? Like, I knew you were gonna do this, yada yada yada. Has he

is he is has it all just been his processing of, like, you are you know? Like, has he just been blaming you or, like, making you feel bad? Like, this is somehow thing you know, like, you're doing things on purpose or that you're like, what has been the

We've had, like, talks where he basically said, like, oh, when I said, like, I was talking about because, like, when you transcribe the prayers, like, I no longer trusted you, so I don't really know how to build relationship if I don't trust you kind of thing. And so that's what I meant when I said I I don't wanna try anymore because when I broke your trust back in July, I had to, like, earn it back. So I feel like this is something you have to earn back or something like that.

And I'm like, dude, that's not when I said stop try like, when I asked you if you wanted to stop trying, like, we've only ever had one definition for that phrase. Like, you can't suddenly just take it back now and say, like, oh, no. I was just talking about, like, I wanted you to try this time because I was the one who was trying so hard when I broke your trust back in July. And I'm like, I don't know. I it felt a lot like

It's and, also, part of his narrative was very similar to back in July where when he broke up with me in July and he came back and, oh, that's another thing too. He came back. He was the one who sent me voice mail and a text and tried to, like, repair things. Mhmm. But when he talked to a friend about it he when he talked to Dora about it afterwards, he basically said, okay. Called me. Like, why did you make it sound like I was the one that tried to get back with you when you were the one that tried to get back with you?

Trying to he's trying to get advice, but making himself look like it's exactly what you're saying is that he's trying to, like, make himself look a certain way with people and somehow that excuses his behavior and his you know?

Like That's that's part of the things also that feels like the strongest injustice in peace. Like, I told you, I met this couple friends of his, and they're not as bad as he makes them out to be. And I'm like and when I told them, like, when when we were in a group chat, when I when that group chat was first formed in Mexico, he was, like, so worried that I was gonna start a fight. And I'm like, I'm not gonna start a fight. But because he knows that I was very because I watched him, like, spiral or break down over multiple texts whenever they would tech just whenever they would text him because he felt so bad that that they were fighting or that they were mad at him or something.

It's like, oh, no. They're mad at me again or something like that. Like, I've seen how it affects your mental health. Of course, it bothers me. So he was like, don't bring that up. And I'm like, okay. But then a few weeks after we got back from Mexico, like, Yamila made a joke about, oh, this is why Yeah.

Couple of things.

She made a joke about, oh, and this is why, like, I throw books at my like, I feel like I would wanna throw a book at my brother kinda thing. And and that that bothered me because I'm like, oh, she's making a joke about throwing books again. And I remember how this affected Sven back months ago. Like, we fought about this for months. So I was like I woke him up. Like, Sven was at a at a nap this time, and I'm like, hey. No. I told Yamila. I was like, oh, that reminds me. I have beef about this because these are people that I actually wanna, like, develop, like, authentic relationships with.

Like, if I'm bothered about something, I don't wanna act like everything's fine kinda thing. So I told Sven, I'm like, I I I know I promised you I'm not gonna pick a fight, and I'm not trying to pick a fight, but I do feel like the need to address this kind of thing. And and he got really, like, worried and anxious about it, but I was like, I just I wanna address this. So I I I brought it up with him, and I was like, yeah. I said, like, I said something like, we actually fought about this for months. Like,

where the whole throwing books things, like like like it like So you actually It was

with Yamil. Like, you

Nielsen Yamil. I said it was meant like, I said some You

had you addressed, like, you had a problem with that or that how did you I'm curious.

I I just said that I have like, when you make a joke about that, like, I remember, like, just have like like, how it would affect Sven before because, like, he he like,

like, I told him, like like, Sven tells me a lot of stuff and something about, like, throwing books, like, it used to trigger him a lot where it was, like, just mentally, like like, I said I had a problem with it because I've watched basically, I've watched Sven get triggered because of this before kind of thing. I don't remember exactly what I said, but something similar to those lines.

Take it well?

They took it fairly well. Like, Yamila even said, like, thank you for telling me. I like, I'm I'm gonna take some time to process this before I respond to you. And then she messaged Sven and was like, hey. That message that Kyla sent on Instagram, like, can we talk about that? Because, like, it, like, it's just easier for me to talk about it.

I don't have a problem with it.

Yes.

Yes. No. He's like he's like he was like, can we talk about

cop out.

He's like she's like, can we talk about this? Because I I it's easier for me to talk have

a problem with. Yeah. So I

was like she was like, it's easier for us to talk about in Dutch. And he was like, no. Actually, I'm already over it. It's Kyla who has, like, an issue with it. Like, can you just like like, I, like, I I got over it a long time ago. And I'm like, Sven.

Oh my goodness.

She just wants an explanation. The only reason it bothered me

doesn't do so she can do it not do it again. Like, what is so yeah.

And and he and then she asked. She's like, are you sure?

He's, like, throwing you under the bus.

She she asked. She asked. She's like, are you sure there's nothing to talk about? And he was like, yeah. I promise. There's nothing to talk about. And I'm like, you abandoned me, there, son. What the fuck? I was like, she wanted I told him. I was like, I've well, we fought about it. And later, I was like, you basically abandoned me, that conversation. She just wanted an explanation. She deserved an explanation because, like, she's it sounded like they were very confused. This is what I meant. Yeah. Is what I meant.

And you talk about them, and you complain about them, but you don't to me. And now I'm, like, sticking up for you, and you're, like, pretending like it was nothing because they're

No. But this is what I meant when when when we were fighting about it back in September, October, November. Do they even know that you were uncomfortable with this? Because if they're making jokes about it, then it sounds like they're not aware that you're uncomfortable about this.

Yeah. That

Yeah. That you're disaffected by it. And then I was like and then and then and then now that they're they're talking to you about it, and they wanna address it with you. I'm like

And you're pretending like it wasn't a big deal. Yeah. No. No.

Does does does he does have you guys talked about that honestly when he's not worked up? Like, how this is recurring problem of his where he's, like, doesn't know how to handle confrontations?

No. That's that's what I was getting at is that the whole reason that he broke up with me in July is, like, one of his narratives or one of the ways he made it sound, and, like, it's, like, it's too much, and I didn't, like, know how to handle it. I wasn't sure how to go from there.

Who who who's who up. Who's too much? What is who who are we talking about?

Sven. Our issues at the at that time in July Mhmm. Was too much, and he wasn't sure how to handle it. And that's why he broke up with me because he wasn't sure how to how to go forward from that.

How to handle when you are upset.

And and and that felt like the narrative for this breakup to, like, if like, when we talked about it later, was like, I just didn't know how to build up a relationship when you broke my trust, and it felt like to it just felt like it was too overwhelming for him, and and his he brain short circuited, and he broke up

in friend. My niece. You had an immature kiddo on your hands. I don't know how to tell you, but this boy has got to learn how to like, this is part of life. And I think because he saw what happened when confrontation he didn't he didn't see for example, you haven't seen you haven't seen uncle Albert and I fight, and we have fought, like, ridiculously bad. But, like, how to amend that? For him, he's never seen, like, people fight and then actually be okay.

No. Because when he fights with people, he takes the easy way out and cuts them off. He did it with his parents. He did it with previous communities. He wanted to do it with Nils, Yamila, and Dora. And I'm like, that's because you're not you never gave them a chance to be healthy because you didn't tell them straight up when things were, like, crossing boundaries.

And I'm like, your your your solution just to cut is them off, and that's part of what bugged me. I'm like, you're just cutting them off. They've been in your life for seven years. You're just gonna end that friendship because it's hard for you now. I'm like, because you don't know how to deal with you don't know how to sit in the uncomfortableness of conflict. Mhmm. I was like

That's right. That's right, Kyla. And I want you to think about that because you shouldn't feel betrayed. This boy is not ready for you.

No. Because that's also the feeling. I'm like and you don't know how to sit in the uncomfortableness of conflict whenever I call you out on stuff. And you don't know how to deal with this relationship. It's so frustrating because I'm like,

I was willing to wait for you.

He clearly is not able to

I hate

to tell

you. Boom.

Already know. It doesn't matter how ready you were. He is not he is not ready for a a real relationship. He's not able. And, you know, the only the only thing is would he be

would he be able to

has he ever verbalized? He he has to get to the point. If you ever want a healthy relationship, he's gotta get to the point for number one that he realizes that he need that this is like, he admits that this is a problem and that he is going to go and work on it, but it will literally destroy you and your relationship if you stick around during that time even if you want to. Because he shouldn't feel the pressure of you sitting there be like, when are you gonna be ready? When are you gonna be ready? Because he will not heal.

And you shouldn't be the one sitting there like, when are you gonna be ready? Because I'm ready. Right? Like, you will drain and you will resent him, basically. You will resent him for being that you know,

like, not being able to do what what you need or give you what you need. I think that's that's tough, my friend. That is tough. I'm not sure that that is

it's just a hard thing about being in different stages in life or or meeting someone who's not ready for a committed relationship even if he wants to. Like, he is mentally not ready.

It's just you're you're like,

that I I would feel betrayed. Like, dude, don't throw me under. I would completely be like, I'm calling you out on that in front of your friends, and you can hate me, but that is not cool what you just did to me. Like, no. You don't no. Like, even if you're just a friend friend, I'm like, excuse me? You just spent, like, the last three days, like, bitching about them. Like, don't pretend like it was nothing. Why did I have to

Oh, but that by that point, it was months ago already because, like, this was between September and December When we met them in December, after we had that dinner with them where he was so anxious about it, like, it sort of I was hoping that that dinner would be a chance for repair and for me to get to know them so I can be comfortable with them because all I've ever heard about them because all I've ever heard about them was, like, like, negative things. So I'm like, of course, I don't feel comfortable about them ever based on everything you've been telling me. So I'm like, if I beat them, maybe it's a chance to get comfortable with them, and it's a chance for you to feel that repair so you're not always freaking out every time you text him.

So after that dinner, like, things did start simmering back down. So this did happen, like, three months after, like, things simmered down. And by that time, he was like, I'm already over it. Like, I got over it already.

Yeah. But it it's not you're over that situation, but it's it is the behavior that needs to be addressed. Right? He might be like, I've already I feel okay now because I've calmed down. But what if that repeats? Are you gonna be okay? And they're gonna keep repeating and making jokes about it until you address that I don't appreciate that. Like, that's the part he needs to, like, address. I don't care if he he has healed himself and stopped overreacting. If it happens again, will he do the same thing? Will he call you and be like, I hate my friends.

They're awful. Blah blah blah.

And I I was literally just like, I feel like all she wanted was an explanation, and then you didn't want it felt a very much like, just leave me out of this situation. And I'm like, Sven, I felt abandoned.

I felt like you left me to fend for myself, and the only reason I even had a problem with it in the first place is because of how it affected you. So, of course, you needed to explain your side.

And then he said, like, he said,

well, Kyla, you weren't there. And then he said

Oh, no. Oh, no. Do not gaslight me. Mm-mm. No. Then he said know.

Because also his friend said that, oh, we like to speak in metaphors, and we would never actually do that. So he's like and because he has a terrible memory, he's like, now I'm not sure if it actually happened. And I'm like and I'm like, first of all, you know it happened because you complained about it to me so for so many times, you unpacked it in therapy, and if it is wrong, if you are misremembering it, then the only way to find out is if you say, hey. Say that you remember it, they say how they remember it, and you hash it out. And it just felt like he really didn't he wanted to avoid that altogether, and I'm just like, this is so frustrating.

I was like, I'm I'm like, I I give up. Like, I give up, but you abandoned me. Anyway,

I was like, okay. If you don't trust your memories anymore, then tell them this is how you remember it. They can tell you how they remember it. And if you talk it out, you'll find out what the truth was. But he just didn't wanna talk about it, period.

I don't know.

Nope. Watch out.

I've yeah.

It

really just felt very much like he just wanted to avoid conflict all the time. And I'm like and this is something that I used to argue with him a lot of

But I'm like, sometimes the important things you have to fight over because it's important.

Yep. Preach. Preach with

my But then he would just always just avoid things because he didn't wanna fight about anything. I'm just like, oh my god.

Oh my dear niece, choose who you give your heart to,

like, carefully because it sounds and, again, you know, it's gotta be worth it to go through this. The person's gotta be worth it to, like, figure out, oh, and, no, you were not the right person. But it's that's that's a super hard thing too, Kyla, is that you just you guys have so much, like, against you.

Like,

it's already hard looking at your struggles in just a regular relationship, but then you're so far away. And there's so much, like,

there's so much that doesn't that gets lost. And, like, even, like, being able to call him out on this stuff, like, if this happened, if you were there right when it happened, happened, right, right, and he calls you and he went and met up with this couple and he they threw a book at him and he's calling you, you could have addressed it right there with those friends. Right? Instead, you're, like, six months later meeting them in person, addressing it, and he can write out, like, just straight out deny. That's part of the, like

yeah. That's not

I didn't even address it with them. But in person, it was through, like, a group message or something. And then he was just like, okay. But I don't wanna talk. I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm like, why aren't you ready to talk about it? And he was like, it's been months now. I'm not sure if I'm remembering it. Right? And I'm like,

Angel

is just like, or he just wants to cover up the fact that he lied about it. I'm like, I don't think so.

Covering up the fact that he had an emotional overreaction to it, took it out on you. Like, you know, word vomited and emotionally vomited on you. And now he's ashamed about it, and he doesn't wanna, like he doesn't wanna admit that it affected him as much as it did because it is an emotional, like, reaction. I'll be right back. I gotta go grab a bag upstairs. This will work. I have to upload here.

Hold on.

Know, it's one thing if he said to do that.

This really you know, this bothered me, but I think I'm, you know, I'm at fault here. I'm the one who whatever. You know? And, like, because there are things where uncle Albert will be like and it's mostly, like, things it's not it's not stuff that bothers him. It's like his his weaknesses or his whatever. He will

he will be like he will tell me, and he and he'll be like, please, you know,

don't share this or don't say anything about this to our friends or whatever. Like, that's one thing. That's not a you know, that's something in confidence. But for him to go and, like, talk about how awful his friends are or how awful his friends made him feel. And you're like, well, let's address this. It shouldn't it shouldn't be that way. And then to deny it, that

I have a serious problem with that. I just do not like that he pretended like it didn't happen at all. Or that he's saying, I don't think that's how it like, making excuses like what you just said where he made excuses about

about whether or not it actually happened because he can't remember. That is such a lame. I'm like, I'm sorry. You just pretended, like, you may have made it up in your head. I don't think so.

I just really think he

can't deal with hard conversations. He doesn't like when people are mad with him, and I'm like, well, then that just makes it very hard, especially when we're in conflict

Yeah.

For you to make any sort of decision whatsoever, and you're just very passive.

Makes you feel like you can't you can't actually

feel safe. Because what happens if you are the one who is causing you know, being the source of his conflict? How will he talk about you, which we know because he did with Dora? And then how will he

how will how will he, like, find reconciliation with you? Or will he?

No. He won't.

Clearly, he

will just return it. Up to me. Yeah. It will be up to me. And I'm like, no. I'm like, if you don't know what you want and you don't know how to fight about things or for things. Yeah. I'm like, I'm I'm not this this is part of the reason why I told you I I can't leave this relationship.

Yeah. He's not able to.

That's just the saying. Listen. I just do not think he is capable of doing that.

That sucks.

And that's part of the reason where I basically said, oh, cool. You're mad at me because I transcribe your prayers, and you don't even address the fact that where that lack of trust comes from. It's because I know you have a habit of not telling me the full truth or twisting some things.

Yep.

So, no, I don't ask you. I just basically

how I told it to. It's like, I just go directly to the source. And if I need any, like like

Yeah. Because you're not a reliable like, you will change things to fit your narrative.

I'll just ask you if I need you to clarify things.

I can see why you would feel that way.

And I told him that too when we were arguing about the prayers thing. I was like, Sven, you have a way of

editing. Yeah. Like, when I ask you what what was said or what happened, like, you have a way of editing it. Yeah.

And he was like, yeah. Because I just wanna like, I'm I'm like, you don't say the exact, like, because I wanna know what exactly was said. And he's like, yeah. But I'm trying to, like, convey, like, the the meaning of it. And I'm like, no. You don't

get to translate the your life to the world the way you want to be viewed. You're not writing a history book for, like, anthropology.

Like, you get to be responsible for your actions and then see how it lands on people, not, like, edit it for you to always look good. You know? Like like, if he says something or does something and it hurts you, he doesn't get to deny it and be like, no. No. That's not what I did, and that's not what I meant. Let me let me rewrite history. That's gaslighting, girl. That's gaslighting. Because that's like that's totally what it was.

He's like gaslighting you.

oops. Oh, No. Sorry.

Yeah. Not a fan.

Not a fan.

Okay. I get that I was wrong, and I will change it. And I'm like, when?

How? Do you even know what was wrong?

Are you

just saying it because kinda like what that

what what's his name did. Right? Chandler? You tell me how what it was that I did wrong and how to fix it, and I will do it. And you're like, I don't I I I I'm not I don't wanna marry a robot.

I basically said that to him. Like, I I I basically told him those exact words. I'm not going to teach you how to wash the dishes. Yeah. That's what I told him because he was like, can you help me? Because he's like, I'm learning. Can you help me? I am learning. Can you help me,

like, explain to me what I need to be doing?

Mhmm.

And for me, I'm just like part of me is like, okay. Like, yeah, you never grew up with sisters. You don't even grew up with a mom. I don't like like, clearly, you need to learn things.

Yeah.

So maybe I should give some grace, but also part of me is like, I don't wanna teach you how to wash dishes. Like, that should be common sense, but maybe it's not common sense for you. But it's common sense. Like, that's a back and forth in my head. I'm like, it's common sense, but it's not common sense for him. But it's common sense.

Or maybe, like,

you need to go and figure out what it means to do this or to do that or to you know what I mean? Like, I think I think what's hard is, like, go figure it out, and he has no clue what he needs to figure out. And I think he you know, going to a

it's great that he has a therapy a therapist, I will say that much, because, you know, you can specifically say, here are

here are the things that my girlfriend or whatever is saying that I need to I need to work on or whatever. And I think that in of itself

should be something that he can go and be like, how do I you know, what what do I have to do in order to work on this? But with somebody else, not you.

Because it's really hard when you have like, you know, when you have to tell someone what to do and what their problem is, they haven't actually understood the issue. They've just done it to please you or to keep you from being mad. That makes me more mad. Like, that that is, like, a big no fuck.

And that's part of the reason why I was also so pissed when we had a conversation after we broke up where he was basically like, oh, and I wasn't even uncomfortable with, like, stopping streaming with Dora. And the fact that you got so mad when you found out that we had a phone conversation, clearly, you're controlling. I'm like, what? I'm like, did you just say I've My

My year. He's so immature. I know you love him, but he's so immature. I'm so sorry. I can't.

I'm like, if anything, I feel like I've I've been too lenient. Like, some of the things you did that my my some of my girlfriends would probably be like, why do you put up with this? I'm like, all I all I expected is I don't know. Boundaries, respect, like, protect the relationship. That's what I meant by, like, maybe don't stream because I'm uncomfortable with her because I've never met her before. And I was uncomfortable with Nielsen, Yamila, and that's why I met up with them because I wanted to be comfortable with them. I wanted to know your friends.

No. You are you are confronting it. You are that's what you are doing, and that's what you should be doing. When there is a problem, you confront it to fix it, not hide it and pretend like it didn't happen or whatever.

Oh. I was so offended when he called me

Okay. Listen. Called me promised me your next relationship. Please, I beg of you to bring them to uncle Albert and I before like, this is literally we need to grill them. We need to make sure that they are ready for a real relationship, that they're not gonna mess you up like this one because I don't even know. I don't even understand. I don't.

I felt very much like, okay.

We've been together for how long? And it sounds like you still don't know me. Because, like, why did you just call me controlling? I'm like, what the heck? I'm so sorry.

I don't know.

And then it's oh, that I was uncomfortable with stopping streaming, and you got mad that we had a phone conversation.

So you were con

the anger and devastation that I felt at those words. I'm like

I was like, what? For wanting basic respect? Respect? Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. I

was so mad. Like, I literally I was like, this is not even I at that point, I was just like

But then, like

At that point, I was just like, we can just go back and forth, and, clearly, you just don't understand. Like, you would never understand. It just feels like you're not gonna be able to understand at all because how can how just how?

But here's the thing. Like, you are having to

you are having to

tell him what is what is basic

what do you call it? What is basic, like, respect is bothersome to me because I I don't know. I feel like like you said, some of it is common sense. And if he did not learn what that is And he can also be so easily influenced, which we obviously saw with Darla or Dora, whatever her name is. Like, it it doesn't feel safe because whoever he's talking to and whatever their whim might be at the time,

That's what he's gonna see. Yeah. That's what he's gonna believe. Mhmm.

Exactly. And that's

Yeah.

Unfortunately,

that could be very well the issue.

That's messy, my dear. This is why you need

And that's why

it's people, like, your exactly. Like, we're gonna do it with the girls. They'll probably hate it, but, like, no. We will tell you in your face because we love you, and then it's up to you if you wanna keep going. Like, we will support you, but, hey, here's what we see are, like, red flags. Right? I mean

I had the thought that flew away again. Aw.

What were you thinking? Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. This is why I was also so flabbergasted because the amount of common sense things I had to point out to him. I'm like, what do you mean you had a long term relationship? I was like, how did you survive that when you don't know these basic things? I'm like, I guess that makes sense why you didn't survive.

I'm like, how did your relationship work? I'm just like, how? How did you last that long?

And it also I mean, some people might just be a little bit more dense or not, you know, not be as mature as well that they lasted as long. Like, what, seven years this last relationship? Like, I don't even know how young she is or what she put up with, but, clearly, she had her limits as well. So it's not just you, but, like, you need to understand that this person

Which is also why I started doubting his narrative of it. I'm like Yeah.

I'm like, did you like like, all the I don't wanna say sub stories, but the Like, know

I'm like,

made that hurt you. I'm like, how did you hurt her? Like,

and I'm not saying I'm I'm

I'm condoning, cheating, or anything like that, but I'm like, it sounds like she's had enough. Why? Yeah. Why did she have enough?

Happened. Yeah. Like, clearly, you weren't meeting a need. So what was the

and, you know, I feel like he's had not so great not an excuse, but he's not had great examples or great, like, relationships that have stood the test of

hardship or difficulty or, you know, like, every time something went wrong, he you know, his parents split up or he got cheated on or whatever. And so I think that's why he's such a, like, a shift. What what is it? A shift shape shifter. Yeah. You know? Because I think he just tends to believe that he he can keep it going by

appeasing everybody and not confronting any issues.

And then if it gets too much, just cut them off.

So glad that you are, like you should write this. Write this down so that when you start crying again And that's what be like, and here are the reasons why.

And here are the reasons why I always felt unsafe in that relationship.

And why you left. Like, don't don't give him that freedom. Yeah. He broke up with you, but you are choosing to leave and heal yourself and be like, I deserve better than that. I gave it my all. He was incapable. Do I feel betrayed? Yes. You're gonna feel betrayed because you gave your heart to someone who did not appreciate it or take care of it. I think that's one thing that you need to understand. Your part trusting was somebody that clearly did not deserve it or was not ready for your trust.

It doesn't take away the feeling or the pain, but you understand. And I think your your brain will constantly try to find, you know But I

don't be the person that stays with him or not stays with him. Like, what you said, the the person that supports him through that, that is there. That's that's what my brain is trying to do. It's like, but but he needs someone to believe in him.

He does. Not you. Hate to say it. Not you. He needs a parent, a therapist, a a good guy friend,

A good adult Yes. Sensible Role model. Wisdom giving Yeah. No.

He's like and he also needs someone who will hold him accountable not that's you. You don't wanna be the parent. That's a parent's job. Like, that's a you know?

Not you.

And then that's the most exhausting part is the parenting. Yeah.

Should not be you.

I just wanted to be there once he finally gets his act together.

You know what, though? Right now you do. But when you get whole and healed and you find your person, you won't care as much. You'll be curious. You'd be like, how did he? Like

What finally clicked?

Yeah. How did it but then you'll be so busy with your own, like, relationship and what you have grown or what you have you know?

I have my my childhood best friend.

She is Facebook friends with my ex. And

so whenever she comes over, we'll stalk, like, together. But you know what I love about her? She is so,

like, pro Albert. Like, she's like, I you know, like, the moment I met Albert, I knew she was the right person for you, and I am so glad that you didn't end up with so and so and that you ended up with him, and she just absolutely loves Albert. And so it feels safe. Right? Like, we can be, like, talking crap about the other guy and, like, look him up and stuff, but there's not one point where it's like I will ever feel like,

you know, like, he yeah. Like, I don't have any regrets whatsoever,

but it's just funny that we can look at look at and things be like, ugh.

What's he up to now?

Yeah. And be like, I'm glad that I'm not. Like, there's so much cringe. Like, they're just like,

Yeah. It just bothers me that he avoids confrontation that much that

because of the amount of times I literally have to tell him, like, sometimes the important things are worth fighting over. You have to fight through it because you have to.

Are you listening to yourself?

Because you sound you sound like a you sound like a mom. That's what I tell my kids. That's what you sound like a parent. Listen.

I was like, you can't just avoid this. You actually have to fight about this. It's not like a fight fight, but, like, hash it out. That's the only way you'll solve it. But because of how much he wants to avoid that conflict or sitting in that discomfort, really. It's that sitting in that discomfort that he's avoiding that he becomes so passive. And I was like

and then for me, I'm like, so if we fight, are you just not gonna fight for me? Mhmm. Are you just gonna be like, fine. Do what you want. I I that's not the kind of person I want. Mm-mm. I want someone who knows they want me

Yeah. Yeah.

And acts on that. Mhmm. You sure do.

That's mainly part of the reason, well, that helps with the no contact part of this breakup is I'm just like, no. I'm not gonna make you feel I'm not gonna

I'm not gonna let you make me feel like I have to do something to fix this.

Yeah. No. No. Absolutely not.

That's not my job.

You're either sure that you, like, want this or

Or it's all just words.

Yep.

I just don't wanna lead. I'm tired of leading.

You're supposed to. I hate to tell you. This is what uncle always keeps saying. Like, this is not you're not supposed to lead. That's just the the truth of the matter is that is his job. He should have the the man should have that burden. And there are times that I'm not saying, you know, uncle Albert understands it. Right? There's still time where, like, honestly,

this he he leads our like, it's taken steps. He has a desire and he's taken steps, but there's still other areas where it's like, honey, I am making all the decisions with schooling, and it feels like such a burden because it's like the destiny of our kids. Academics is on me. I really need you to participate in this. Or, hey, honey. I feel like I'm the one who's constantly,

like I have the vision of what our family what I want our family to be, and I feel like you just go along with it. So we have to, like, be intentional, and then he will participate in it. Right? But it's not like it didn't come naturally for him in some things. Like, financially and, like, just the future of our family, like, that comes natural. But there's definitely a lot of things that didn't come natural, and we had to work through that. But he did. He worked through it.

So you know? It's a whole

if he wanted to, he would.

Mhmm. So true.

But he wants to. Why isn't he doing it?

Like, I can't feel that

unsafe and anxious and on edge and survival mode ish in a relationship. And oh my god, I have to take care of myself because you're not ready to hold me yet. And

Mhmm. Mhmm.

It just hurts because

I really do think he wants to.

I really do think he can.

And I want him to be able to because I want him. Yeah.

But when he's not able to, then it just hurts me.

Yeah.

Think of him as a teenager. Like, you don't wanna you don't wanna date a teenager that's like robbing the cradle. Cougar.

He's just in, like,

his teenager era.

He's still stuck there.

Oh. I was

gonna talk

done a lot of work on yourself, Kyla, for everything you've been through. They're able to, like, you know,

to be able to

just speak to to your history and your parents and all of that. Like, you've done some work, and I think he needs to do the same. He's just not at the same level. Time is one two three four.

You were talking about teenagers and rubbing the cradle, and I I I was was gonna say something about how my mom's boyfriend is five years older than me. But then I was like, but also my mom is childish, so that makes sense.

No. She is also stuck because she did not the have kind of like, she grew up too fast and not grew up, but was given adult responsibilities, never had a chance to be a kid. So I think part of that is, like, yeah, you did not

you do not get to be to, like, fully develop. And so she's still like, she's dating someone who is what if she's five years, so you were she

was Thirteen years. Sixteen. No. It's thirteen years younger than her. Yeah. So that's where

her mental, you know, her mental abilities are. Let's just

That's just where she is.

That's what I was thinking. Was like, yeah. It doesn't

seem wrong because my mom is

it feels weird to say mentally younger than her actual age Or not mentally, even emotionally. Mom is smart. She's mentally she's smart. Yeah. But, emotionally, she's

Yeah.

Such a kid.

Well, you probably know better than anybody else. How was it in

in In Australia.

Australia. Were you able to, like was she able to speak to her own trauma and her own, like I always wonder how she, like, processed everything. You know? Like, it was not easy for her at her age to have dealt with that. And

And she's also had a miss not a miscarriage, an abortion before me. Yeah.

So, like,

pregnancy is like

you know, you you did an adult act, and so, therefore, it has adult consequences. But,

like

I mean, sex is great. But at the same time, like, understanding the you know, just like, hey.

Skydiving is so much fun.

But the likelihood of you you know, like, the statistics of you dying, doing something that has those risks. Like, you have to be able to understand that and be able to, like you know? And, again, I don't know, like, what kind of guidance she has as a kid, but, like, we talk about that with, like, giving the kids devices. Right? Like, there's risks. And so how old are like like, I just took out took away all of Layla's privileges because she used a fake phone to pretend like to bully, basically, another kid.

And so it's like, okay. You don't have, you know, you don't have the maturity yet to, like, even have a device if you're using it to, like, make someone like you or I don't know. Like, just just there's an immaturity there. And so

again, like, missing, you know, like, guidance and love from, like, her father. And and that leads to, like, you know, it just leads to some hard,

like, missing developmental stuff. Like, if you don't have a father that is going to protect you and is going to guide you and is going to teach you what, you know, healthy love is, then there are things that she did not you know, she didn't learn growing up. And I, you know, I can understand how she could have gotten herself in

in the situations where she is just sleeping around and not able to really

it's like your your frontal lobe is still not developed, but you're doing adult you know, risking an adult consequence. And so it's just it's hard.

I don't think we really had

that many hard to hard if anything, like, I don't since I don't really go to my parents.

I wonder why.

I don't really talk about such So

blunt. I

don't really talk about that stuff with my parents. Mostly, I was out of the house, like,

either, like, doing like, either in school or

staying in my room or just, like, pet sitting somewhere.

Yeah. So you don't have, like, that you don't have that guidance or no. I get it.

Like No. Because I don't really think I don't really first of all, I don't think that either of them would understand anything mental health related. And second of all, like But I I'm, like, looking at my mom, and I'm like, you're so childish. And I'm looking at my dad dad, and I'm like, you're so struggling. I'm like, how am I supposed to lean on either of you?

Very fair. Very fair. I don't know. I don't I don't have any answer for that. They're with you. How are you supposed to lean on them if

Like, I think about my dad. I'm like, you're basically struggling as much as I am. And I'm thinking of the moment of like yeah. So I'm like, I don't really yeah.

And I and I don't think you'll get it either, so I don't I don't know.

That's hard. And I think, like, did you have other adults, though, like, at church or at school that you could be like, hey. You know? I like, I don't know what it was like. And, I mean, obviously, you had friends work at and then and then later down the road, Ellie and people that you that you could lean on and you could, you know, that understood you and understood your things. It's just growing up, you needed

you needed to have a more consistent, like,

guidance. And I think that's part of why, you know, I hope it's not it's not like you can't go I feel like this is it. Right? Like, even with Lola and Lola. Like, it's never too late to learn. And so maybe I'm just optimistic, whatever, hope hopeless optimist, but I'm just like, you can learn. You can learn to, like you I may not need you to completely understand, but I need you to know how to behave around me or around these situations.

You're talking about my parents?

Yeah. I feel like, you know, if that's that's why it took the time to, like

I I've been sending your dad, like, little I didn't send it to you. Like, the whole thing about because I I've been I've been sending you know, and I had to talk when he was driving up to find you, like, about, hey. You know, maybe you could use some therapy yourself. Like, you. You know, you yourself, not just not just your family or your kids, but, like, you to learn how to be the kind of parent they need.

Hold on. I feel like that would be Spence's greatest dreams. Most realized dreams. To have what? For his parents. Learn.

Do therapy and show up for me. That type of thing I feel like he would

feel like his dad needs to do that if he's living with her.

Yeah. They've had a fight

send this to you.

Before Just where he basically

it's been basically left the house because he was so dysregulated, and I was on call with him the entire time.

That family has issues too. But who does that? You know?

Because that's one thing that like I said, I've I've been there in the like, I haven't seen my dad in ten years' face, then and in the I suddenly met my dad randomly, and then in the now I'm moving in with him. And even early into the relationship, I could tell.

Whose relationship?

Our relationship. Mhmm. I

could tell, and he probably didn't notice it himself. But when we would watch movies together Mhmm. I'm like, it's the family scenes that hit hit you the hardest. I'm like, you really actually want, like, a good family relationship.

You could tell that your dad?

No. No. No. Not my dad. Sorry. With Sven. Sorry. Aw. Yeah. Like, in in in the beginning when we were

Yeah.

Watching stuff together, and and I'm like, you get so affected about and I I don't think he noticed it at the time either, but, like, I remember, like, thinking of

Yeah.

So we watched have you seen four sisters in a wedding?

Four sisters? No.

It's a Filipino movie.

Oh, yes. I think I have. Yeah. I have. I can see yes.

There I don't know. There are a lot of movies where usually, like, the the the parts that would affect him the most were, like, family related stuff, and I just I remember, like, taking note of that mentally. And I'm like, you I feel like you want a good relationship with your family more than you're aware of.

Yeah.

I don't remember thinking that.

And you know what? So do you.

I mean, for I I feel like

like, I feel like for me, at least, it's as good as it gets.

Then I will be your hopeless

like, in order for you to realize that it there is better. Right? Like, I feel like that's your mom too. Like, oh, this is good as it gets. Like, you know, I'm not there's nothing

No. At least when it comes to, like like, the family relationship. I'm like, hey. It's not bad. And, also, I'm like, I don't know

if they're capable of better.

It's as good as it gets.

Yeah.

Like, I'm not at war with them anymore like I was as a teenager. like, It's I can see where you're coming from. I just don't think you know how.

I think you can, but it doesn't mean it takes away like,

it it doesn't mean that it hasn't affected your development and your ability to, you know,

your ability to have a healthy relationship and have a healthy view of what, you know, what love is supposed to look like for you. And I I do wonder that for your mom. Like, I wonder if, like, you know, what happened in her like, what was her relationship with her mother? Because I will tell you, it's the same thing. Right? Like, ma like, mama, Lola, left when she was thirteen to become basically a maid at for a faculty member in the academy so she could go to school.

So she was, like, working since she was thirteen or fourteen, taking care of kids and doing laundry and washing dishes, and that's kind of why I think she's so particular about all the help because she's done that work. But she was never raised in a you know, she was so young when she left. She never had the healthy like, how do we talk out our emotions and regulate ourselves? How do we like, she avoids uncomfortable like, she doesn't know she doesn't know how to express her emotions in a non Critical.

Yeah. Critical or guilt filled. Like, there's no, like, just, hey. This is how I'm feeling about the like, just there is no authenticity. It's just so, like, laden with there's so much baggage that comes with it. And I think it's her emotions that she hasn't processed, and she's laying it on other people. Like, this is why I'm like, go process this. We don't need to hear it. It's not gonna make things any better on this other side.

You know? So I feel like

Like, my mom's mom is the same way?

No. I well, I don't know how she you know, how your Lola on the other side

What I

know is that Like, mentored your mom. And, like, what do you do when your daughter gets pregnant? Like, you know, like, how do I handle and, again, we didn't have resources in the Philippines to deal with mental health or, like, a lot of these psycholog like, there was no therapist, you know, like, to help your your mom maybe deal with, like, I don't know who my father is. This is just another you know, like like, it's basically his stepdad, the way you relate to Joanne. Like, I don't know if

she relate you know, what

relationship was like if it was just

My grandfather was a really good person, and and and he and, I mean, if he came in when she was two or three

But it doesn't take away her need to know who her dad was or, like, how she you know? And and, again, there's also, like, your your grandfather, as far as I can remember, was just very sweet and very, like, happy go lucky. But did they sit down and talk to your mom about sex? Did they, like, have these open conversations? You know what I mean? Like, I haven't talked to Leila, but I've definitely talked to Keilana and Saraya about it. And, like, hey. This is, you know, if this is why people do it.

Because Keilana's like, I don't get it. I don't understand why anybody would do that. Right? And it's like, well, honey, you know, like, you know, like, we talk about the feelings and the emotions and and all the things and makes you want to grow closer to people. But, hey. Here's the here's what it's supposed to do, and here's how you get bonded to somebody. And it's just like, right now, while they're not yet, like, caught up in emotions, now Layla is very like, she has crushes and all that and all that. So we definitely have to have talks with her about it.

But it's like, hey. While you can think about logically, keep in mind, like, logic goes the out window when you are you know, when there's chemistry and you have whatever, but here's the possibilities. And they're all like, I don't wanna get pregnant. Like, I do want like, they're actually more scared of giving birth than. They're, like, so traumatized. I don't know why. Maybe because they were there in all my births, but I think I took those births very well.

So I don't know what they have to be traumatized. I would rather give birth than be pregnant. So, like, I don't know.

Reminds me of uncle Albert's comment about, oh, yeah. Clarice can tell you later about what happens when chemically, scientifically, when you have sex outside of marriage. And I was like, what is he talking about?

Well, a part of his DNA through his semen actually stays inside of you. This is what the studies have shown, and this is why it has been you feel very

and and that same DNA obviously gets passed on to your children. So you actually your children will always, no matter if you're adopted or whatever, will always find a need to find out who their birth parents are because it's, like, in them, like, And so there's this studies have shown that, like, sexual intercourse is that's one of the reasons why it's very bonding because you have

So you have DNA of all your partners in you, basically, forever? Okay. But what if you use protection?

Well, there you go. I don't know. I don't think I think there's emotional, but there's definitely less, like, biological, yeah, cross contamination or whatever.

That's crazier. Like, oh, you're you're here, father the of my children, but my children also has DNA from all these other people. What?

Well, I don't think no. So that is different. It's in you, but whatever fertilizes your egg, that's the DNA that sticks with a kid. You're not they're not gonna have, like, ten if you had ten partners, like, ten pieces of, like no. Because that didn't that didn't fertilize the egg that they that became them. But, yeah,

it's But the what are you saying? How does it affect you then?

I think it well, I have to look this up. DNA, semen, sex.

And I don't think it stays with you forever. See, man, it's reaching male day and making a powerful tool for forensic identification. This is usually with rape. Right?

Well, luckily, my first partner gave me an STI. Well So I think

for the

reminder. So, like, so I think he's the only person I've ever had unprotected sex with. Everyone else has been very, like, condoms, please.

Yeah. That's probably good.

That's gross. I'm sorry. The thought of having TJ stand up like, ugh. That's gross.

I do not think it's forever, but it is it it at lasted a certain amount of time, and I think that's where, like, it

it's not a forever thing. So, like, obviously, they're not going to fertilize an egg that you later have down. But it ties in the Attachment. Emotional attachment. Yeah. I I believe it's only, like, a week or I have to look up the analysis. I mean, there is

you can take that, like, to the next. The impact of cameras and DNA based forensic sex discrimination analysis. It's actually, I think, know, in forensic

science is long. how Yep. Five to seven days. How long do DNA mean if you're pregnant? Nope. Not after pregnancy.

This is the other thing. After pregnancy, I don't know about this.

This is the hardest part is,

yeah, knowing that maybe he's not ready and we're not right for each other and we're not compatible and it's not right that we should be together. But, gosh, I really miss him, and I really wanted to be by his side and

be there when he realizes his potential.

You you hoped on you put a lot of hope on that relationship guy you get. You know?

But I miss him,

and I hate that he thinks that I don't believe in him or that. No. Stop.

Stop it. I'm gonna take you off that spiral. Sorry. We're we're getting off this ride. I'm gonna step away from the vehicle.

Put your hands back inside. No. No. Like,

you can miss him. And, you know, again, you spent a great deal amount of time in such a short amount of time, but, like, a very condensed amount of time with this person. And

there is a reason why you miss them, my dear. Like, if you've spent a long time with somebody and suddenly they're no longer in your life, of course.

I just that part of those texts are haunting me.

Yeah.

The one that I sent to you.

And he's like, oh, I guess the whole I don't blame you was only supposed to be short lived comfort. Like, no. I meant it. Still mean it. But I can't I'm like, just don't defend yourself. Don't defend yourself. Like, if he doesn't know who you are

That's what I'm saying. It's the same thing. Right? Where he, like but that's him lashing out. Don't believe that. Like, you when you defend yourself, you are basically acknowledging that lie. Like, it's kind of like a kid when they're having a tantrum and you keep feeding like, you keep trying to reason with them and their tantrum gets bigger and bigger. Whereas it's like, okay. I'm gonna let that slide because I know that you're having a tantrum and you're saying things you don't mean.

And so, like, yeah, do not get your self worth and your validity from his mean words because

It's like, I'm glad you finally reveal what you truly think and feel. I'm like, I have told you for a year and a half what I truly think and feel. It's not my fault. You don't believe it.

Or that you choose to use this time to attack my integrity and my, you know, my character. Sorry, not sorry.

Also, part of me is like, you're scared to believe it because of his trauma.

Hi, Roling, and I'm gonna take you off this ride. I'm so glad you're here. I hate doing this. You need company sometimes.

Should be operating. What do you call it? You need what do you call it?

How body doubling? Have you heard of that? No. I haven't. What is that?

You haven't heard of buddy doubling?

This is why sometimes, like, working in a coffee shop or a library for me feels good because I'm not alone in this predictive strategy where you perform a test in the presence of another person. Oh, body doubling. I've learned something new. Yes. Sometimes I want uncle Albert just to sit with me and be like, I'm so I get I get energized by social interactions.

That's what I used to do in Australia with my homework with Sven and the other people in the group. We had a channel on Discord called called the coexisting library. it So would just go in there and coexist.

Oh, I like that. Okay.

Basically, I to go to bed. Go to bed. I uncle Albert just told me I should be going to bed. I'm like, I just wanna finish this because it's been taking me all month, and I finally have the whereabouts to actually do it.

Is it related to the how

homeschooling? Yeah. So we get a certain amount of scholarship from the government because we don't use public school, and we don't get the funds. So as homeschoolers here in Utah, it's not in every state, but in Utah, you can be awarded a certain amount that

you know? Like, you're paying taxes, but you're not utilizing the services of public schools. So they will give you basically, I think I get, like, six thousand dollars from the government to pay for tuition for anything I'm doing, extracurricular or any school supplies, but I have to hand in receipts. And then to reapply for last year, I had to come up I had to make a portfolio a of the kids' schoolwork.

It just takes time.

I have, like

But Albert's telling you to go to sleep. You didn't say, why are you awake?

No. For real. No.

He's

traveling.

Rock climbing. And what was my last rock climbing? Sexy. What else is this girl doing? I have, like

cello. That's what she's doing.

That did hurt, though, being accused of being controlling.

Like, how long have we been together? It sounds like you still don't know me.

But that is, like, that is such a, like, universal woman attack. Right? Like,

to call a woman controlling. Like, that is

I beg your pardon. Like, that is such a male, like, masculinity attack. Like, oh, you you know? Because I'm standing up for myself, you're calling it controlling. Like but if it's a man doing it, such a dumb thing.

The funny thing is I don't

he never had to ask me to do it because if I hung out with guys, I just naturally ask him because that's basic respect.

I'm just like, it's just it's consideration for your partner. If I were single and I wanted to hang out at this guy dude's house, like, I can do that. But if I have a partner, then I wanna make sure you're comfortable with it. That's just consideration. Basic consideration.

Mhmm. Sorry. No.

Yours.

Oh, man. Hold on.

So how far are you from completing the

Well, see, this is the thing is that I need

Show of you know? So you it's like, this is your budget. And Yeah. Depending on the receipts you bring in. So it's like doing your taxes? Yeah. Something like that. Which is back in the day when we had to balance our checkbooks. Yeah. It's a little too old for me. Like, checkbox? Who does checkbox? Who does that? So annoyed with my heart right now. You've been great, though. You're alive. You, like, took a chance at long. And it's basically like, I wanted to be there at the finish line, and the brain is like, ah, and destroy yourself in the process. Well, it's hard. It's hard because I always have to remind myself. It's hard because I miss him, but then and then I remind myself, like, of the the like, how much it hurts. Mhmm. But then also I miss him. Yeah. And then it hurts, but then you miss him, and then it hurts. It's about right. It's okay. It does get better with time. I need a receipt. Why do we have such a strong instinct to support people? What? Everyone does. Really? That's not just a woman thing? We don't wanna be the supporters. I feel like we all wanna be the supporters. So we have we all have the cheerleader in us. You do. But does does your mom have that instinct? I don't think she's fully developed it like you have. It might not be as strong as yours. She wants to be the breadwinner so she doesn't have to do all this domestic stuff. Is that the case with you? Sometimes I don't wanna do the domestics, but most times I don't. Sometimes I'm just like, yeah. I would rather, like, bust my ass off in a career so I can pay someone to clean my house. Yeah. Do So just do both. Do. So just, I think, that was like domestic stuff, and I clean the house. No. I pay or we pay someone to clean the house. I'm like, can I just work so I can pay someone to do what I don't wanna do? Yeah. No. That's definitely, like uncle Albert's definitely that way. I'm a little controlling. But I'm, like, supportive in the way we're I don't know. I feel like you supported your man for a while while he went through more education. Yep. Sure did. I was gonna I was working. And You're saying part of that wasn't instinctive? Part of that was I don't know if it's instinctive versus like, hey. We have goals. Like, you do your part. I do my part. Right? Like, it's kind of a yeah. I know. Like, to protect my children, there's definitely an instinct there. But I don't necessarily think I even have. I remember thinking, like, I I'm not the girl who grew up dreaming of my wedding or, like, that was not me for sure. You're like, how long have you wanted gotten, like, I've had crushes all my life. I don't know when I didn't have a crush. Yeah. That was no. I've had crushes too, but, like, I did not I grew up very because I had brothers that were older than me, it was always a competition in my head to be bigger, stronger, like, independent. So I never had this need for, like, someone else to complete me. It was always like a, I'm fine. Like, I don't need you. And so, yeah, I feel like it definitely was a little bit of a, yeah, I guess. You know, you've gotta be worth my effort to, like because it's hard. Like, marriage and relationships are hard. You better be worth the effort. I'm not just gonna give it to just whoever is gonna like me or whoever, whatever. Like and I also you know, I had goals. So it's to give that up to have children was a huge it was a huge sacrifice, and I struggled with that for a while. Two items need your Well, what made you want to? Well, I know we wanted kids, but because I'm idealistic, I didn't wanna have kids and then just be like, oh, yeah. You know? Let's have someone else race them. And I knew that I couldn't do like, I have my best friend from grade school. Like, she does both well. I know I can only do one. So I had to choose. Like, do I raise my kids well, or do I stick with my career and have someone else raise my kids? Because, like, I couldn't do both. Some people can, but I can't. I can't. I I don't do good with splitting my time. I don't compartmentalize well. That's that should be what I so, yeah, I'm definitely a like, do one thing and one thing well. But at the same time, like, I had a hard time I had a hard time giving up my sense of self worth from my job. That was not that was not easy. Like, my identity. I still struggle with it. I'm, like, looking forward to a time where I can do things for myself. But you're also grieving that it's coming too soon. Because it's like it it's it I gave it so much of me. Right? And now it's like, they're actually saying, we don't need you. I'm like, wait a minute. What do you mean you don't need me? Sixty six dollars. This doesn't seem right. Sixty four. Can I just do a receipt? Do I need? Why is this so hard to figure out? Should go to We should start working now. We should go to bed. What's your progress of bar at? Sixty five percent? Eighty percent. Everybody hates this whole reimbursement process because it depends on who you get to review your receipts on whether something will get rejected or not. So annoying. Okay. A valid itemized receipt that meets all of our requirements. Do we continue tomorrow? Yes. And this is the thing. This is why I do this late at night because I'm a one track person. Like, if my kid interrupted me ten times, I would never get this done, and I just cannot do it while the world is churning. That is my weakness. What tomorrow? What are the do they have activities in the afternoon? Or wait. Is that the BSF? We have cello. No. BSF is my bible study. And I actually, that's ended, so I'm gonna delete that. Layla has rehearsal. Pick up and drop off. Layla has a cello lesson. I could do it after her cello lesson. I could sit, and maybe I'll go to Starbucks or something. After or during? After. I have to be there for their music lessons. Oh, you do? Yeah. I have to take notes. And then Oh, you have to take notes? I was like, do you have to sit there? Can you just sit in the car? I have to take notes. Work on it. Why do you have to take notes? You're not the one doing challow. Suzuki is a little bit intense. Gotten better as they've gotten older, but, like, she used to be so hands on. Alright. Okay. You're like uncle Albert. I will go in in this. I do need that stop gap sometimes. Just be like, okay. You gotta stop. When we were at the piano the other day, I was like, I've been stuck here for four, five hours. But look how much you've gotten done. Well, it was more of a, like I'm, like, I'm pretty sure I can't master this in one day, but I can't pull myself away from it because I just wanna finish it or Yes. I'm not done, But but I'm I'm getting getting good. good. Well, we found the breakfast too. Maybe I'll make some I miss that. I know. I don't. She did spend time with him. Balance. And when you love him, I will bring you another balance. Oh, no. Really? When I hate him, you're gonna bring the balance? Somehow I doubt that. You know, the balance of, like listen. He isn't a bad guy. He's just immature. Like, he's not a monster. Well, I don't think he's a monster. Let's see. And he didn't betray you because he's a monk because you were, like, worth betraying or that you that you're not He just isn't capable, but I want him to be capable. But I want him to be ready. Hey, Cammy. Good night. I wanted him to be ready. Fucking sucks. Fucking sucks when you're still in love with this person, and you know that it's just not She's gonna cost you you. This sucks.