Hi, love.
Hi!
You're done folding the laundry.
*nods*
Okay.
So,
just a second of
Okay. Ow. Ow. Oh, hold up. Subtitles.
You okay?
Are you okay?
What's up?
Okay.
Are you sure? Let's
say my stuff.
I guess I just feel guilty because I feel responsible
for me not speaking to NM that much.
You're not.
There was a lot of strain. No, there was a lot of strain in that friendship before what that all happened and we didn't really talk much already.
Yeah, you do.
We would be lucky to get one gaming session a month in and that would be the only time that I would basically talk to the both of them.
And now Neils has changed jobs so he's busy.
I mean we got to know each other when they were still studying and that also changed. So in a way life has happened as well and that hasn't really helped staying in touch either.
And please don't feel guilty because there's a lot of reasons why we talk less.
But when I was
combating demons just now, I was actually thinking about sending Neil a message asking if he would fill up for a few games tonight.
Do you miss them though? Do you want to? I do. Yeah. And I kind of feel like I don't know. Just I don't think I played games in like weeks now.
So yeah, it might actually be a good idea to
that hurt. What's wrong? I know, but like I'll have to go downstairs to grab my It's in the car. My nail cutter.
Okay, I just sent Neil's a message
and I know it's the hang is going to annoy you until you get to your car.
What is it? When was the last time you chatted with Dora? Discord, watch out. She
I believe that was Friday morning when she suddenly Well, she texted me Thursday evening. Mhm. But I didn't see it until Friday morning. About what? She said that she misses me and that she was hoping to get games in soon again. Mhm. And I said, well,
first of all, my work is ramping up until the at the end of the year, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to play much, and I don't even really feel like gaming much. So, yeah, you said first of all, so what's second of all? uh the fact that I don't feel like gaming too as much. Says the person who said, "I haven't played in a while. Let me text Neil to see if he wants to play."
I mean, I'm not going to tell her that you requested me not to join stream anymore because that would basically restart all rent that she had the end of July. So, yeah. Rent? What do you mean?
where she basically um
during that conversation about trust that will spiral.
See? Huh?
So yeah, I'm not going to say like that you requested me not to join stream lost. What about it made you feel lost? Because well when you talk you didn't really tell me details about that conversation when you talked about it before. You just talked about Yeah. She was talking about her experience. Everyone was talking about her experience and now you're framing it as a rant. I'm confused
because
when I was spiraling over trust,
um,
she went on to say some things about you that I don't agree with. I didn't agree with that back then. I don't agree with it now. Things about me? What do you mean?
The things that she had heard from where?
From before that time. I know. But from who? Like who told her at this stage?
Well, I told her a couple of things of course back then, but she had this opinion where she was like, "Yeah, no, that's toxic." Okay, so what exactly did you say then? That was months ago. I have no clue what I said anymore.
All I do remember is that even joining calls for over like days or weeks, she considered that toxic.
I'm sorry. What's Okay, so
you're like, I don't even remember what I told her, but you're saying like, oh yeah, she told said things about things she heard. And I'm like, so what did she hear? What was the opinion? Where did that come from? And like I said, even the most basic things
she felt like were toxic. Just our continuous calls that was toxic to her already.
And now I don't specifically remember everything that she knew about us back then. I don't. So what do you remember? I just told you.
That's one factor. It's been and it's kind of
and I'm telling you I don't remember the other factors. Well, yeah, but you can't say, "Oh, yeah, but you can't put a severity on it if it's only one thing you remember." Like, you can't say that she's renting. If you only remember one thing, why would you consider it rent?
Because I do remember how that whole conversation felt. She's like, "Oh, yeah, but she had opinions on you." I'm like, how can you say opinions if you only know the one thing? It's
because Kyla her she doesn't form her opinion just on the continuous calls alone. Again, I don't really remember the other factors that she brought up, but just for continuous calls, she's not going to call you toxic.
Yeah. So, what formed that opinion is what I want to know. Yeah, I really would like to answer that, but I have no clue anymore. Love, you just No, I didn't. But I did tell you multiple times now already that I don't remember the other faces.
But yeah, I do remember that whole conversation being a rant because she went on and on about it. You weren't on text.
Text and voice at first, remember? Uh-huh. But you weren't on voice first, text after. Mhm. text is easy to look up.
Most of that stuff was I said over voice. I do remember that.
last messages was from August 15th because she changed the number. Let me see if I can still find the Conversation
with a rand phone
I don't have that conversation anymore.
So, I still had it, but we don't.
I hope I had hope that I would still have that conversation, but I don't. So,
conversations don't just disappear.
No, but I do regularly clean up the conversations that I have.
What is it?
Mhm. Sound is very passive aggressive.
That's just a couple things he said that just strike me as, oh, well, that's very convenient.
Such as
No, it just sounds convenient. I'm like, well, okay, that's convenient. You said a couple of things. So, what are the couple of things? Forget exactly, but I feel like I said it both times and you said something like convenient. Okay.
Why would that be convenient?
Because I don't know when I
ask you a question, you just don't have the answer anymore. And I'm like, well, that's convenient. And you're like, oh yeah, I don't have it anymore cuz I didn't need it cuz I like to clean conversations. Like for someone who has a terrible memory, you sure like to enable it? I don't know.
Sure,
it's about enabling me.
Sure it is about enabling. What do you mean?
as if I would be
as if I would want to go over that conversation again because early of August actually when I was waiting for the airplane I cleaned up a lot of conversations when I was going home from Budapest.
And later, I don't know, you already know that I often do a lot of cleaning whenever I feel bad or down or whatever
because just cleaning up helps me de-stress. But okay, sure, it's enabling
My own bad memory.
This is just awfully convenient for you to be like, "Yeah, I don't remember anymore."
Like I can totally make those comments, but it's not like I remember what brought them about anymore. Like that's very helpful, useful.
So what would you have preferred then for me to say nothing? No, I would have preferred for you to actually know what you were talking about. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry that that is very unlikely to happen now.
Because first of all, I don't remember. Second of all, I don't have the messages anymore, so I can't go back over there.
Did I delete them because I thought it would be convenience at a later point in time? No, definitely not.
Dora's opinion of you was born by things he told her about me.
So it's just like Thank you for letting me finish. Do you talk about me then? Go ahead.
No, you also you already preempted me. So what is now the point of me telling whatever I was wanting to say? Because you already have the narrative in your head, Kyla. Okay,
because apparently Dora forms her opinion of you based on very basic stuff I told her about you. Most of which you actually have heard because that was during streams
and then I stopped sharing. Watch all your streams. I told you I don't even like being there. And thank you for interrupting again. Go ahead.
Shut up.
most of which was just very basic stuff. It was just stuff like, "Oh yeah, she works at a doggy daycare."
when you were still living in Australia, I said like, "Oh, yeah, she's studying
just basic stuff." And yeah, I did share that we have these phone calls. I only share the basic stuff, but somehow she formed her opinion on that basic stuff.
I'm not even sure how she got to the whole point of calling you toxic or whatever.
Do I want to reopen that conversation? Not really.
I'm not even sure how to reopen that conversation.
I feel like I am up for that.
over.
I am not going to form opinions and anyone my friends know based on basic conversation like this is what they do for work. It's either the vibes I'm getting from what they said or how they said it. So that's why I'm like, if this is your friend's opinion to me, then how exactly do you talk about me?
Cuz that just means I don't know. You gave them those vibes. At least that's how I understand it.
I can't pull up the
stream recordings or whatever they called because those are just gone.
And I'm pretty sure that my friends only would make judgment calls on people I know that they don't know based on how I talk about them or the vibes they get from when I talk about them. So that's why I'm like, "Okay, so
they're not pulling this out of nowhere. They're getting it from somewhere.
Otherwise, why would they think that?
I'm not sure if I can answer that question.
Then maybe it's just optic.
What is
Maybe it's Maybe they're right. Maybe they're on to something. Maybe they just know well it's actually toxic.
Yeah. At times dora is can be very toxic. That is true. At times what? At times dora can be very toxic. That is true.
Talking about dora. I'm talking about the part what I was talking about. Now, what are you talking about? No, because you said that. She said that. Oh, no. That's toxic. So, maybe it just says toxic.
What is toxic? I don't know. This, me, us together.
No. How is that toxic? What exactly about us is toxic? What exactly about you is toxic? Well, that whatever she said. Well, that was what I was asking when Sri find out. I was like, what exactly was behind this conclusion, like what led up to this?
Because like I said, you don't just pull that out of nowhere. It comes from somewhere. So,
so what are they seeing that I'm not aware of? Where did this come from? How did you say things? How did you talk about me? What feelings drove the way you talked about me that they were able to pick up on? Kind of. I never just like I said before,
the only times that I talked about you with Dora was usually during streams.
And clearly it's enough to pick up on a vibe. So exactly what were you putting? Can I finish please?
I take a not even half a second for a break to catch my breath and it's interrupting again. Can we please not do that? Yeah, maybe that's toxic.
All the times that I actually talked about you to Dora was on those streams and it was never a bad thing. The thing that I told her about the continuous calls that was not even on stream, that was over WhatsApp, I believe.
or during the Discord call, but not on stream. Never on stream
because she doesn't like the whole world doesn't need to know that we are on continuous calls.
I wish I knew the exact things that were said made a form that
opinion of you.
I do.
Yes. Maybe.
Go ahead.
Yes. Maybe what? No, you were going to interrupt. So, go ahead. No. Yes. Maybe what? I stopped.
I don't even know what I was trying to say anymore.
currently going over messages I sent in Twitch chat back in March.
You said, "I wish I knew what thoughts led up to that conclusion or I wish I understood why she thought this way." But that
you do know, you did know because you were there for that conversation. you were the one who gave the information. You listened to the quote unquote rant and you did even agree to a certain point. You're like, "Oh, I never agreed with anything she said back then or I don't agree I didn't agree with it now. I didn't agree with it back then." I'm like, "Yeah, you did." Because you specifically phrased it in that way to Kersonen and Sammy when you said, "Oh, yeah." And she stalked it. So, how else would you use that word if you didn't agree?
You said, "Oh yeah, she helped me to see that she was toxic." So clearly you agreed to a certain extent. Clearly you understood that train of thought. Clearly you knew what got there. Well, you did know, but apparently now you don't anymore. And that's very convenient.
Again, sure if you want to say it's convenient, that's
You're free to do that
because again, I wish I truly wish I knew
exact details so I can actually go over that and talk you through that.
Like I said, you did know. You did agree.
It's not. I have no idea why she thought this way. It sucks. Oh, I actually can see why she thought this way. And I actually kind of agree with it. How else would the end of July happen?
So, what do you want me to do now?
What can you do? Because I Well, you are asking me to list out all the details that basically made Dora form her opinion of you.
But I can't magically grasp a conversation that isn't there anymore out of thin air.
I'm not asking. I am. I'm Go ahead. I I am trying to go over the messages that I sent in on Twitch chat. So far I have found okay someone might have infected me with Taylor Swift's and um she had me go through all the albums and demanded live reactions. That is one. Um might get off after stream because someone's waiting me for me to be done gaming.
So yeah, I'm not sure what I can or cannot do. I'm not sure what you now expect from me because I can't
I can't magically have those um those details that are now missing appear again.
Like I said, I'm not expecting you to list out all the reasons why she might have felt that way. I'm expecting you to actually know because again, I said you were part of the conversation and you agreed with it. How How can you agree with it and not understand it? Because you agreed with it.
For that, I need to know the details of that conversation because I don't necessarily remember I No, not even necessarily. I don't remember all the details of that specific conversation anymore.
And honestly, it was a conversation that I'd rather forget because it sparks quite some issues.
That doesn't help me because
I'm not saying it should help you. I'm saying that I know it isn't helpful and that it is very much standing in the way right
Don't let me finish. Go ahead.
I said that doesn't happen because
well, I'm getting from this conversation is
If your friends are able to pick up on something that you're putting down
and you're saying you don't even know what you put down, but clearly they pick up enough to form an opinion
and you're very much capable of agreeing with that opinion.
Clearly, you can and have thought or felt very negatively about me, but all I'm getting from you is I don't know.
So that's not really helpful
because if you can and have felt or talked very negatively about me then like what's stopping that from happening? And that is what I'm trying to figure out Kyla. I don't think I ever I'm not getting frustrated with you but I'm trying to tell you your voice. I'm not. This is not me raising my voice, Kyla. This is me changing tone before and you disagree and now I'm calling that out in your disagreeing. And that
I'm trying to figure out the things that I said, but I don't remember saying anything negative about you.
What I do remember
What I do remember is the very first time I met Dora in person. We had a late night conversation and that was when the whole situation with my ex was going down.
And I remember her going absolutely mad even though she didn't know anything about my ex.
Back when I had this this short live thing going on with Tris, it was the exact same thing
to the point where I was like, why the [ __ ] is she so protective over me? And I don't get it. What was the exact same thing? her being very protective, going mad over something that she just made up in her head because she didn't even know the situation.
And that is why I'm now trying to figure out what kind of things did I say about you.
I'm currently in June, mid June, and so far it's just about the Taylor Swift album, the time that you showed up in chat and I said get food,
saying I would get off the games because you were waiting and I didn't even know you or I just said someone is waiting for me to stop gaming. And now I just found still trying for that uh 555 555 with K never even mentioning your name.
I'm trying to figure out what the things were that were said and I'm just trying to figure out how that could be formed by not just one love three friends. You're the common denominator there.
It's like you said, things don't just come out of nowhere. You also ka you also know the whole thing that I had with Jamila that fight
where she was just like yeah just burn bridges.
She immediately jumped into conclusions without even knowing the full story, not even knowing part of it.
for sure. I am the common nominator here and I have no clue anymore what was being said because now I'm secondg guessing myself like oh did I actually name things that were perhaps toxic? I don't know. That is what I'm trying to figure out.
I know the fight you had with Jame [ __ ] but the thing is it's not
sure that's excusable if it were one thing. Like I said it's not one, it's three. So it's if it's a trend there's it's not a fluke there's a reason
one can easily be dismissed as fluke for so far like we're 100 I even sorry I even sent you screenshots of what you back said back then
those messages were just toxic as [ __ ] The way she actually
said like, "Yeah, no, [ __ ] it. Just choose violence." Basically,
what Dora did was form an opinion of you
and you say that I just agree with it. No,
just because I used one way of describing it
doesn't mean that I fully agree with her opinion of you. No, but you agree with that description is what I'm saying. At the time I did agree with that. Yeah. So, how can you say I have no idea where this came from if you agreed with it?
I said I have no idea where her opinion of you came from.
That is what I just said. So, please don't change my words around.
And I'm not trying to change your words around. I'm saying I have no idea how her her opinion of me, which is toxic, came from. But you are greed with me being toxic. So that doesn't make sense to me.
You see, you're saying I don't understand how she came up with this, but you agreed with it cuz you described it the same way. And again, that was just about the toxic part. And that was mainly because of the whole trust spiral still going on.
No, you specifically agreed with her because you said Dora helped me to see blah blah blah. That's how you phrased it.
That's specific. And I know I only saw that message once, but Mhm. I do have And then I guess you also saw the messages above that. What messages? Because the very next day I sent, long story short, Kyla didn't care for [ __ ] about trust. And later I said had a very long conversation, that was a minute later, had a very long conversation with Dora after her stream on Thursday and she helped me see it to see it a lot clearer. Mhm. So you agree then I did say no at the at the time I did agree with it. I'm not even saying I agree with it right now. Yeah. But you agreed with it so you would know where it came from if you agreed with it. At the time I knew where it came from. Yes. And again at this moment I do not. Why are you raising your voice again? Because I told you this so many times already.
And that's why that I did at the time and I do not now doesn't really help me because Carla even at the beginning of August
I told you that I do not have the same thoughts anymore as I did at the end of July.
Not anymore. But it still happens, man. It happened. Yeah. Past tense. Yeah, that's my issue. It happened once, it can happen again.
And I don't want that to happen again. That is why
I'm not sure whether it's now my memory
being just very [ __ ] as
or perhaps it's more time and I have been struggling with that thought for a longer time to cut Yamila and Dora out of my life because they especially Yila but Dora as well have their toxic tendencies
because especially Yamila we had a very big fight where she basically started to fight over knowing about 5 to 10%.
The whole situation and she was like yeah just choose violence.
Apparently, Dora, I mean, I I went through all the the conversation, all the the chats.
It's literally nothing in there.
You literally just told me that a majority of it was through voice. Yeah. And I had hopes that it some of it would actually be in Twitch chat. That is why I scrolled up months to see if there was any message because I do realize that the videos they can't be found anymore because they are gone.
But I know for damn sure that I did not talk bad about you in public streams. I'm not worried about you talking bad about me in public streams. I'm worried about you talking bad about me. Period. Because it's enough for your friends to pick up because friends know you and they're always on their side. They will judge based on how you say things or what you say. That's how that's how angels and that is exactly why I never talked to to Dora Yunil's Oya Miller again about you just like you requested me to. Exactly. That was because I requested it. Obviously you didn't want to. That was even before
that was even before everything of the end of July happened.
and I never told them anything about that request.
So, what I'm hearing is you're basically saying the only way for my friends to not have a negative opinion of you is for me to just not say [ __ ] because apparently No, that's
now you're just No, no, that's just jumping to conclusions, Skyla. That's what I am hearing, Sen. And it's really No, then then you're not listening to me.
You're just not listening to what I'm saying. You're not listening to what I'm saying either, Kyla. I'm I am listening to what you're saying because you are saying that apparently I can't talk nicely about you or I can't speak nicely about you and just hold back the the the bad things because apparently all I do to especially now Dora and Yila apparently is talk bad about you because how else are they going to form an opinion? That is what you just said, not what I'm hearing.
Then what am I meant to hear?
I don't think you can hear it right now because you're being really mean.
How am I being mean? I'm trying to talk to you about how I'm feeling and you're laughing at me. Because you are just jumping to conclusions, Skyla.
I'm sorry, but earlier you were twisting my words and now you're just jumping to conclusions based on things that I didn't even say.
So, how am I
I'll try and take a break.
because I do realize that I am getting very defensive and I'm sorry about that and I know that has been going on for quite some time and I realized that too late.
shouldn't have lost you. I'm sorry.
That wasn't fair.
You willing to tell me what I was meant to hear?
when I when you brought it up and I'm like, "Oh, then what formed that opinion?" And you were like, "I don't know. Wish I knew. I didn't agree with it then. I didn't agree with it. I don't agree with it now." And I'm like, "No, you did agree with it then. You clearly knew enough to agree with it because that's literally how you describe it.
And um
yeah,
completely. Yeah.
Oh, they're learning.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry
just
to leave in 17 minutes. Okay.
So, what was I meant to hear? Are you suddenly left?
It was just frustrating that when I kept bringing up like, okay, um, so what led to this? And you're like, I have no idea. Didn't agree with it. I don't agree with it. I don't know where this is coming from. And I'm like, you do because you literally just described it as a rant that you were there for and you agreed with it to a certain point that you described it in the same language. So it
was very evasive and very non-helpful and a lot of I don't knows and it was frustrating.
And you're and I was like I was like, "Yeah, but this is how it's making me feel and this is how I feel." And you're like, "No, you're just putting you're putting words in my mouth, reading into it." I'm like, "No, I'm not reading into it." Like, literally, you did feel that way. Like, what do you mean I'm reading into it? That those are the facts. like what exactly am I reading into or like what am I putting there that isn't there to begin with.
I said that
this has this you
clearly picking up on something
and you're clearly capable of feeling similarly. Well, how what what about that is not true?
What about that is me coming up with an with my own conclusions.
I'm describing the event conclusion
in chronological order as they happened. Go ahead. The conclusion you drew was
very diff different if not even the opposite of what I had just said. What conclusion did I draw that was opposite of what you said? Where apparently I wasn't able to talk about talk about you to friends without them forming a negative opinion of you. That's not what I said. Then what is it you said? Because apparently you first asked me what did I say and then when I repeated like your conclusion the way I heard it, it's not what you said. So go ahead. What did you say? I said that apparently the only way for them not to form that type of opinion is for you not to talk about them. That doesn't mean that you can't talk about it with saying without saying negative things. That doesn't mean a blanket like, "Oh, when you talk about me, you're talking [ __ ] all the time." I didn't say that. I said that um people read into tone of voice and into the way you say things. And I'm not saying you're saying things badly, but I'm saying that
that the implications you're putting down have been there have been times where it's negative enough for them to form that opinion. So, what implications did I put then? That I'm toxic.
Those are not the implications I put down.
I never told that to Ya. I never told that to Dora.
They don't talk to each other the way you talk to them. So, they can't have gotten that anywhere else.
So, how is this you trying to talk about how you felt instead of attacking? Because now you just say like, "Yeah, no, everything points to you and you're the one that put those implications in their heads because otherwise they would never have come to that conclusion." Because I'm saying even though I said that Ya chose violence even though she didn't even know 5% or 10% was a full story.
I even sent you screenshots of that. I also just now told you that for some reason Dora is very protective when it comes to me for some reason. I have no clue why. Dora, they all are. So even Go ahead. So even if they don't know like Dora doesn't even know the story all of the sudden she will get mad for no reason at all just because I get hurt by someone and that is all that was the case with AIA that was the case with Tris and apparently that is now also the case
but sure I am the one that puts those implications in their heads. I have no idea how though because I just went through Twitch chat for months ago and I didn't find anything negative about you. The only thing that could have been put in negative daylight would have been the fact that I said, "Oh yeah, and she demanded live commentary on the Taylor Swift album." That is all.
I'm sorry, but I don't see how that would form anyone's opinion for you to be toxic.
I also don't I'm I'm very sure that none of which none of the things that I said to Yama actually led up to her saying like, "Oh, yeah, no, that's just choose violence. burn rich bridges
because I believe that is just the way they are because even now at times during our last conversations Ya tried to pick a fight because for the longest time I've been trying to avoid talking to Yla
because the last time that I actually spoke to Ya Yeah. That was when she apologized. The last time I spoke to Neils, however, was a a couple of weeks ago. And when I was on break, I remembered that that what that I actually had talked to Neil's more recent than I have been talking to you. But the second that she got home, I was like, "Yeah, you know what? I don't feel like talking to her because I know I know because even over WhatsApp she was trying to start a fight again because sometimes that is just how people are because Humea doesn't agree with my choice to send you a message again. That is also why I didn't tell them about it for the longest time because I know this was going to happen. I know that it was going to be a fight again and that happened.
And I'm also very very hesitant to even start talking to Dora again or even send her a message or even reply because that would take days
because I know that somehow she formed this opinion of you that I don't agree with. Yeah, sure. At that period of time when I was still midra spiral, yeah, there was a thought in my head that the things that were happening were toxic. And that was the case when it came to the location. That was the case when you suddenly accused me of using chat GBT for the messages that I sent to you.
Because for quite some time back then I thought that everything that I was doing, everything that was happening was being questioned even though I wasn't even trusted to know anything about happening in your life. So yeah, the whole trust spiral that is what made me agree with that part where she said that it was toxic and I'm saying you are toxic. it as in our situation back then.
Yeah, I may have phrased that differently with Sam and Kirsten.
Go ahead.
You basically just said you agree.
Agree with both exactly. Oh yeah. You're toxic. I'm saying like we were toxic back then. The situation we were in was toxic. Mhm. So you agree? I was still in the I just said I do agree that with that part that the situation we were in was toxic. Yes.
The fact that location was a thing that we fought a couple of times about, not only because of my location when I had to go to the hospital day, but also when you suddenly disappeared for a couple of hours, some nights without saying a word. It happened multiple times.
Also the fact that you because I phrase things in a certain way was wondering if I use GBT. Also when we were fighting about things all of a sudden it would be
a small thing could just blow up.
So yeah, the situation we were in wasn't the best. That's for sure.
You don't have to backtrack. Stand on it. say, "No, I'm I'm not backtracking because Yeah, because when I uh when I recognize certain phrases as that's weird that something chat GPT would say, that's toxic. I'm sorry, what?
You asked me about that once and then I said no I don't use ch but I also said that yeah sometimes phrasing I do borrow that from ch because in the end I copy things that I see and read. Yeah because I told you about that back then you brought back again and again. The only way the chat GPT would come up with that phrasing that you could borrow is if you
talked about it for it to come to that conclusion and then you therefore take that conclusion as your own.
What conclusion?
And talking about what with Chad GPT,
what else would Chad GPT say emotional contradictions and poetic side steps for if it wasn't about our situation? Where else would it get where what other subject would it come up? Do you do you really want to know where I actually got that line? Go ahead. There was where mid December last year when I was struggling with suddenly being abandoned by Tris after my suicide attempt because she too had away with words and somehow even when I was in the hospital bed she managed to play my ner my my emotional strings. So yeah, that is when I came across that line. She too had do I want to use it more often?
I'm not sure if you're picking up on this or if you're not like reading into this whole conversation, but do I give a [ __ ] what Yama or Neils or Doris thinks or says? No. This whole time I've been saying, "Yeah, they say this, but clearly you agree with it. You can think this way. You feel this way." And you've just been confirming that the whole time. I don't give a [ __ ] what they think. And I've also been saying the whole time. I'm not done. I am not done. Go ahead. I still have two minutes. Go ahead. I am not done. I have literally been saying, "Yeah, I feel like I feel like they have said this and clearly you're in a position that you have and can agree with it. I am exploring your thoughts and your feelings and every single turn in this conversation, you have been confirming every single fear of mine.
You're like, "Oh, yeah. I am trying to scroll for months if I've said anything that would make her think." I'm like, "I'm sorry. I don't care what she thinks. I'm more worried about what you're thinking, but what you're feeling, but what you're capable of, have been capable of, will be capable of.
But sure, focus on the different thing. Well, you keep going back to what I said. So, I tried my hardest to actually find what I said. Yeah. What you said because the way you say things is driven from the way you feel about things, from the way you think about things. I am talking about you, Sven. Yeah. And I also repeatedly said to you that I don't feel that way anymore anymore. But you have That's exactly. Yeah, I have again. And you and I never denied that. No, I don't want to feel like that again. You don't want to doesn't mean it won't happen. the very first phone call back in August when you suddenly called me again that night, we talked about the end of July and the way that I don't feel like that anymore and I don't want to feel about that anymore. So why is it that you constantly go back to and you will feel like that again? No, I don't want to.
And that is exactly why I also am avoiding your Miller because that's toxic as [ __ ] And that's also why I've been trying to avoid Dora because apparently she has the power to somehow get me into a spiral and the end of July is a result of that. So do I want to keep in touch with the per those people because so far they didn't really have a positive impact on my life especially in the last few months. And that's why I said that how is it that the only way that you're not able to feel that way is if you stop talking to people about it. What is it?
Because because if you talk to them about it then you will feel that way. That's my point. It's that what you're capable of Sven. It's like it it sounds a lot to me like you're saying like, "Oh yeah, I better just not go near it because if I go near it, then I would be tempted to do it again." No. To me, it's more like, "No, I know what kind of effect these people can have on me." And now I'm very cautious and I'm actually debating like, okay, is it even worth being friends with these people anymore? because so far the only effect they've had in the past few months hasn't been positive at all. As a matter of fact, I thought that I just threw everything away. Also, something that I repeatedly told you, you are judging. So no it's it's it's not about
you are judging the friendships based on the last few months that you have been friends with them for years that is not fair and it is your friend's job to take your side and care about how is it fair then how is it fair that when I I do everything that I am capable of doing to avoid a situation like the end of July again that is now being held against me that I'm evaluating with these friendships these two in particular
based on the past few months because to me that is for now at least the only way to avoid doing that because I don't want to end up in a spiral or fighting that's the point over you with those people again. And that is not even because I say I talk [ __ ] about you or I I don't even tell them [ __ ] I don't even tell them [ __ ] about you because you know why you requested me not to do so so I don't that's the point because the only way that you not say talk about me is because I requested it and the only way that clearly you can avoid that mental space or situation is if you don't talk to them about it. Sven. I am Sven. Sven Sven.
It hurts me that this is something that you have to avoid to not feel that way.
Ka, even only telling positive things about you wouldn't change wouldn't change them.
No, I'm not. Like I said, I don't give a [ __ ] about them. I give a [ __ ] about you. I give a [ __ ] that you're telling me that if you talk to them, you would feel this way. You're not listening to me.
Ka, I don't hold it against you that I avoid talking to talking to them at all. I am Sven. I am not saying that you hold Can I Can I No, no, no, no. Can I please finish? Go ahead.
I feel com completely comfortable not talking to them at all. And I know that started out with not talking about you with them. But for some reason, even only telling positive things doesn't change the fact that they will form a negative opinion of you. And I don't know why.
I really don't know why.
And neither are you. You're not hearing what I'm saying. I know you don't give a I I know you don't give a [ __ ] about them. I know that. I'm trying to tell you that what's hurting me is that you have to specifically avoid a situation to avoid feeling a way about me. Because that basically just tells me that you will feel that way about me if you were in that. No, it's I'm not I'm not avoiding them to avoid feeling a certain way about you. You literally said I never want to feel that that way again. That's why I stopped talking to them because I Do you know how many fights do you know how many fights I've had with your Miller over the past I don't know six, seven years?
The only reason that I actually am still in contact with her is because she's married to Neil's and I am very good friends with Neil. So out of respect for him, I still talk to her.
But I got managed to be friends with Neils in the first place and then I got to know you Miller. With Dora, there's been countless like I even gave you two examples earlier how she suddenly got protective for no reason at all.
Kala, it's not it's I'm not avoiding talking to them because of the way how they affect my feelings for you. I'm avoiding them because I want to avoid getting into fights over things that are happening right now. And I'm pretty sure that that will eventually circle back to us.
I don't statement.
I'm not avoiding them on your request or because I want to
the way you phrase it earlier because I feel a certain way about you and I felt a certain way about you in the end of July
but I was
I wasn't in the best place and spiraled heart and they I don't know for some reason they sort of fit to actually make use of that
and I don't know why I don't know how that would even be a thing making you so they were trying to cut down your stress so you wouldn't feel as miserable
That's what friends are protective. That's That's friends. That's just friends. Period. No, Kyla.
If they care about you, they'll have strong opinions for
their protectedness. Yeah, I guess I guess their opinion for both and would be for me to die single because that is the only way apparently that they are content.
Don't want to make that very clear two times already as actually three times already because the end of July was one of them. Yeah. is I don't know if she just wants to pick fights or have me burn bridges.
And I told you countless times since the beginning of August that I don't want to do either of those.
You told me that I don't want to feel that way again and that's why I haven't been talking to them. And I'm like, why do you have to stop talking to them to avoid feeling that way? Because feeling like that is
because it means you're capable of feeling that way under the right circumstances. You're capable of thinking about Yeah, I hit an absolute low.
I had reached an absolute low. And like I said just now, I feel like they were just making use of that.
And you don't even believe it when I say that because you just say, "No, friends are protective." I'm sorry, but this was not protective at all.
Especially because Dora actually had drafted a message for me to end it with you. How is that being protective?
That's not being protective. That is just outright using a weakness. That is her trying to help you based on a limited amount of information. Like you said, they did not have the other side of the story. They were just trying to be on your side. Spin.
I just I am not saying that you're wrong. I am not defending them. I'm saying that I'm saying that
it hurts me that you can think this way about me, that you can believe this way about me, and that that it's not even
a guarantee that you won't ever think or believe that way about me again. And again, that is what I want to avoid to ever happen again.
I don't want to feel that way about you. I never do. But at in those days at the end of July,
the two of them were just talking in on me and that only let the spiral further further down. SP, you can't blame other people for your actions, your feelings, and your thoughts. You are responsible for that. It doesn't matter how many times people will tell me to do something. If I don't want to do that thing, I won't do that thing.
It doesn't matter if how many times people will tell me this. Lower your voice, please. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me the sky is purple. If I know the sky is blue, I won't believe that the sky is purple. That's my That's where I'm coming. Yeah. And then at that point, I was called a blind color. I'd really have to go for dinner.
Always end conversations like that. Why?
