dysregulation

context:

I got a random message from my ex one evening while I was trying to stay no-contact. I knew I shouldn't respond, but the words were sharp and I was already typing back before I could stop myself. I immediately felt guilty that I allowed myself to be pulled back into the toxic cycle while I was trying to recover, started spiraling because I felt so mad at myself for responding when I knew better than to dignify a smear campaign with a response, and ended up calling my Aunt to help calm my dysregulation. The screenshots below are the text messages exchanged and the text following that is the transcription of that 24-minute call for help.

You can listen along while you read the transcript via this link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1q91Ld0Ypjvnptxot8pEDLeuLIgyrqwza/view?usp=sharing

Hey, Ky.

Hey. Did you drop the kids off already?

Yeah. Well, we were here at the church. What's up?

Oh, are you busy, or do you have time to talk?

Say what again?

Are you busy, or do you have time to talk?

I can talk. Let me just close my windows because it's loud. Okay. Yeah, what's going on? What are you thinking? Did the lady come with the food yet?

She did.

Okay, great.

It's on the table. I am very heated and dysregulated at the moment.

Oh, wow. What happened?

Because I have managed to resist, like— aside from that one time when I was really struggling, and I was like, "maybe I should call Sven because he's the only one that usually helps when I feel this way." Aside from that one time, I have managed to be so good and self disciplined about not reaching out or responding or, like, getting baited into, like, checking in on him or, like, any of that sort of, like, I'm like, "this is just gonna make me stuck in that cycle" behaviors. But then he texted me today and I already knew while I was typing the response. I'm like, "this is bad. I shouldn't respond. I should just leave it on seen, and I should I should not, like, let myself get baited into this conversation and—"

Did you block him?

And I sent it anyway! And— and— I'll— I'll send you— And— and now I'm, like, "well, frick". And now— and then immediately after I sent it, I'm like, "you knew that you should just have, like, left it already just not responded". And— and—

At this point, Ky, I'm not sure you are recovered enough to make that follow-through. I think the best thing, even after you've already responded, is to explain yourself and be like, "you know what? I really don't feel like this relationship is healthy for both of us right now. And I would really appreciate it if you gave me some space." Unless you don't want that. Like, you should decide for yourself. But it's okay to feel, like, tempted to do that and slip. But if you're feeling awful about it and you want some space, you know, like, you could give yourself, like, both of you, and be like, "hey, can we commit to x amount of weeks or x amount of months just to see where we're at so we can—" you know, kind of you're not, like, shutting the door and not knowing because that's always feels like, "oh, is he gonna call me, or is he gonna text me? Oh, like, what's gonna happen?" But you have an agreement to, like, "let's take some space to heal and to recover and to figure out what we want with our lives and to build some new goals apart from each other, and then let's agree to touch base."

No, basically, the reason he texted me is like, "oh, I heard you were talking shit about me", which I was, because yesterday, like, I called Angel and Jen, and I was like, "I finally feel like I'm in a space where I don't feel immediately self-protective when I wanna talk about what happened. Like, I can actually frankly talk about it now. Like, I can actually basically look in the eye how horrible I've been treated or how terrible it was, like, how unfair that situation was, and I can speak to it, at this point" is how I felt. And so I was venting to Jen and and Angel last night for, like, hours. Like, I was literally on the phone with them talking for hours. And so when he messaged me this morning, he was like, "oh, and you're talking shit about me now?" kind of thing. So I was like, when I when I read his message, like, the part of me that has felt so indignant and, like, righteous anger-y and, like, like, like, 'how dare you,' 'the audacity,' that part of me, like, immediately knew what it wanted to say. And so, like, I already started typing it, and I was like, "alright. This is a bad idea. I shouldn't respond to this. I'm responding to it. I shouldn't send it. I sent it." I sent you the thread just now, and I'm like, "oh," I was like, "I can't believe I let him bait me into a response, and I should have stopped it. And I knew that I should have stopped it, but I did it anyway because I couldn't help myself." And I'm just like— I— I just, uhm—

You know what? Here's the thing. Hold on. Again, boundaries, Ky. You gotta learn your boundaries.

I know, but if you read through all of that, I'm like— like— I don't know— Like, at this point, like, the the last word was 'goodbye'. So I'm like, "I am not—" Like, there's a part of me, obviously, that's like, "why, how dare you? I'm gonna explain my side", but I'm like, I'm just not I'm not responding to that. Like, he already said goodbye. Like, now, like, I don't wanna just be like, "I just wanna have the last word" or whatever. I'm like, "you know; I know," like, I don't need to explain myself to you because you were in it with me. There's a part of me that's also like, "but then he's dumb and he's never known or understood you, and now you feel like you have explain to yourself", and I'm like, "no, let's just not explain ourselves anymore". So I don't know. I don't know if you read the whole thing, but...

Hold on.

And I'm so confused about "the choice is still yours; you know which one I prefer". I'm like, "what are you even talking about?"

Hold on.

Okay, you both are just grieving and attacking each other in your grief. It's not, uhm, you know, it's just a stage in your grief, both of you. You can go back and forth for a while and try to justify why you did this or why you did that. I think it can be understood that in your grief, in your mind's way to make sense of something that was removed that used to be a significant part of your life, you are gonna go through the five stages of grief, and anger is gonna be one of those. And a lot of things that you did hold on to in your relationship because you were in the relationship and you were trying not to rock the boat, that will come out, and it will come out in his end too. I think the best is not to have friends or people that know each other that you think will share these things. Like, that feels— it doesn't feel great that he knows about it when you've only talked to two people. Unless you posted something. I don't know.

But that doesn't feel great to me because who in their right mind would go to the other person in the party and say this, "she said the x, y, and z." So I would definitely consider that. But you do have, just like he does, the right to air your grievances from the past to come to healing. And he may say some things, too. And you guys can sit there and say that "I'm mad, you know, because of all of the x y and z, doesn't mean I never cared about you." And all that's gonna do is hurt you and confuse you because it's like, you know, you guys are gonna say hateful things to each other because you're both grieving and trying to get rid of the intimacy, but then you're also going to admit that you did care for each other or still do, but there's nothing you can do about that right now because you're both in pain and you've both hurt each other dramatically.

And, really, the— like, there's no conclusion, but the fact of the matter is he should be able to air his grievances, and it should be to someone who's not going to take it— well, we can't say what he's gonna do. But for you, you do have the right to say all those things. You do have the right to vent about how he has hurt you and didn't protect you and all of that in the past. I think you just need to be careful with who you say that to because he shouldn't be hearing about it, you know what I mean? Like, he shouldn't. If you wanna air your grievances to him, then say it to him. And think about—

I was like, that's just gonna be— I've been in that back-and-forth cycle of, like, "I'm trying to tell you, and you're you're too caught up in your own emotions to hear me" kind of thing. So like, I really didn't wanna do that. And that's why I'm like, I'm here and I'm like, "I can't believe I allowed myself to be baited into this conversation." And I am just like, "okay, he said goodbye. Like, I'm gonna give him the last word. I don't need to have the last word because I literally don't need to explain myself to you because I have tried to explain myself to you for months already." But I am so, like, I'm so dysregulated because of that whole conversation. I'm like—

It's okay. That's understandable, and that's why you— this is hard. This is just human emotion, Ky. This is just like, there's nothing wrong or like, imbalanced about this kind of reaction. This really is very normal. You just can't, like, get to a point where you're putting yourself at risk, you know? Like, you cannot let it get to that point. But what your reaction is is absolutely normal. Like, it feels like a cycle. This is like the on again, off again that I went through, but hopefully, it's off now. But you will feel this. You will always feel like every time he says something, you feel the need to prove that it is not right or to, like— and it's okay if you do that. And I'm really proud of you for even having the strength to let that one go and just let him have the last word because, personally, I would probably, like, be like, "well, F you." Like, you know, like I would definitely react. But, yes, it takes that kind of, like, "hold yourself back." Otherwise, you are gonna spiral into, like, a mental, you know, like, just a really bad place, and that you're realizing you're dysregulated and are like, "I better figure out who to talk to or what to do to, like, get out of this funk because I'm gonna end up back where I started.

And It's— I already feel like— I already feel like it is, like, triggering the parts of me that just wants to be, like, that just wants to be like, "I don't wanna go through this. Like, this is exhausting."

Yep. This is the part where you get to let go. Like, you have to get to this point sometimes in some relationships to let go of it because it is harder to keep up with than it is to, like, feel that love and feel that, you know? Like, some relationships require you to actually hurt more staying in it than it does to leave it. Because leaving it hurts, too. That's no joke.

But I think you're getting to that point where, like, "I can't keep doing this back and forth," and it's okay. You did great. You said what you had to say, and then you let it go. Do not beat yourself up for that because your your inner, like— you needed to respect yourself in this way, and you needed to be like, "I do not need to explain myself. I'm going to stand up for myself." Fine. You did that. Be proud of yourself for being like, "you know what? No. I'm not gonna take that. I've done this for too long, whatever," and he still doesn't get it, right? It's like, "okay". But you, at least, I think you— could you have let it go? Maybe. On the next round. Ky, I hate to tell you, this might not be the last time.

That's the thing. That's why I'm saying that, it's triggering, like—

Maybe the next time you wouldn't be responding, but right now, your heart needed to be, like, "I deserve to be heard. I deserve to stand up for myself because I haven't. I deserve to say my piece," blah blah blah. There's gonna come a point where you will actually be like, "oh, brother. Not this again." Right? Like, "I'm not even gonna respond." But today, you needed to, and that's okay. Like, you can't let yourself be, like, so caught up in it that you are, like, losing your mental health. I mean, seriously, celebrate the wins and then realize that next time, you'll be stronger, or next time, you won't even be bothered, right? Right now you're bothered, and it's okay. Give yourself space. You're like, "that still bothers me." Goodness. It's only been a couple weeks. Like, don't rush—

No, but it's— I feel like it triggered the part of me that's just like, "damn it. I feel like it's not worth going through this exhausting part. I just don't wanna go through it." It's triggering that part of me that's like, "I would like to not go through this."

You know it's not going to be the same every time, Ky. It's okay. You are not gonna go to the depths of the depths of the depths. You have gotten yourself out of bed. You have started, you know— this is the part of life where you build resilience, and you're not gonna get more tired. You're gonna build the muscle of getting back up, not the muscle of laying back down. And this is where you need people. You can't do it alone. And you need to realize, "okay, I might spiral tonight. I'm gonna sleep. I'm gonna cry. But I know what it took to get me back up in journaling. I know what it took to get me back up and playing the piano. I know what it took to get me back up. And this is just a bump in the road." You can't be like, "And I'm back to ground zero. And I'm back to, like, the bottom of the pit." You're not. It feels like it a little bit, but you're gonna sleep it off tonight, and then you're gonna get up tomorrow, and you have people around you that care about you and that you can interact with if you want to or not if you don't.

We're gonna go see some beautiful flowers in the morning. Like, there is something to do tomorrow. You do not have to go and, like, disappear and, like, have this rip your heart up. You don't. You really don't. You can allow yourself to cry and be frustrated and feel like crap. That's okay. Like, that's allowed. You can allow yourself to, like, be angry that you feel this way, but you're not in the same place. You've got to work on your self-talk. Go journal. Go be angry. Go draw pictures on your journal. Like, you have so many notebooks. Go let it out, And then hydrate, please. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. And then sleep. You've done the steps, Ky. You've done the steps, and you do not have to, like, go back to the beginning, and you are okay. He will have— until we build the strength back up and you find joy and meaning in your life that is not tied to this boy, not man, this boy, then you will have a little— it will affect you. You have to be prepared for that. And guess what? It took a couple weeks to get to this point.

The next like, right now, this feeling that you have, it may just take a few hours or just one night to get back up. Like, it is not going to be, like, multiple facility admissions and whatever. And you have resources. Go call 988 and just be like, "I need someone who doesn't know my my ex-boyfriend and who won't go back and tell them everything that I just said" and be like, "I just need to vent because if I don't get this out and I don't get angry, I am just tired of going through this cycle and I might go down a black hole again, and then I need someone to, like, you know, hear me out and not feel like I have to worry about what I say and have to worry about the consequences of it going back to him," blah blah blah. And that's where strangers are helpful. You don't have to, like, explain yourself, but sometimes you just gotta let it out and not be afraid, you know?

And, obviously, you can do that with me, and I don't have any connections with him or what have you, but I don't know what part of you— you know, I'm sure it was great talking to Jen and Ellie, and I would definitely, like, have a conversation with them when you were in a better place about, like, hey, how did this get to back him? Like, it does not help me. It makes me spiral again, right? Like, you need to have those conversations with them. Because, eventually, you need to be able to tell them, "this is what I need. And if, you know, if you can't help but go tell talk to him, then I just need to know. Like, I need to know that this is not the kind of conversation I can have with you."

And same with him, eventually, you will get to the point where if he tries to reach out to you and is being nasty or being mean, you do not— you will be able to respond with, "this is not helping me right now and my goals; please leave me alone." Like, that is your actual reaction, not a need to justify yourself and your actions. Right now you do, and that's okay. Honor that. Honor your body and your mind's need to respond to the lies and accusations he posted on his text message to you. It is okay. You are not gonna spiral to the bottom. It is okay to honor that girl, that inner self, and just know that you're gonna get back up.

And if it happens again, I mean, you might want right now to even journal what you would say if he tried this again, you know what I mean? Like, you're like, "argh, I shouldn't have done that. I should have done this." Go and write it out. In fact, write a text message that you would say next time he tries to, like, bulldoze you or whatever, because then you will be better prepared. Like, don't lay down while he's kicking you. Like, you're like, "okay, that didn't go well. I feel awful. But you know what? If you're gonna try that again, I've got something for you." Like, equip yourself. Like, just honor yourself. You have to, like, trust that Kyla is doing the best that she can and give her the space to deal with this bump in the road. It's a bump in the road, Kyla. You are not going back down a dark, dark hole. It is just a bump in the road.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Go blast loud music that you normally can't if my kids aren't there. Go put on, you know, calming music. Do whatever you need to do to get it out of your system, and then eat, drink, sleep. Like, take care of yourself.

When are y'all coming back?

We should be back... let's see, 5:50... We should be back in about an hour.

Okay. Alright.

I will give you a heads up in case you aren't sleeping and you are, like, running around naked. I will give you a heads up. Whatever it takes. Okay?

Okay. Thank you.

You're doing great. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'll talk to you later. Okay. Bye.