Round 1:
What is it, love?
I'm just spiraling. The end of July.
How did it happen? I'm sorry. How did that happen? What caused that?
You said, "actually, I—"
It's okay.
Remember the other week when we got into a fight about Dora and the end of July and I—
About Dora?
Yeah, because in relation to end of July. I think this was around Thanksgiving because I was telling you about, um, how easily influenceable you are and why you can't make your own decisions?
Mm-hmm.
And you were telling me that, "I honestly don't remember what state of mind I was back then" or "I don't remember what was going on or—" and I was like, "well, here are some context cues of what you were telling me at the time." And you were like, "yeah, I'm sorry, I really can't remember it. I wish I had the transcript" or— because I was— we were basically recapping the whole I was on shift, you were on call. I felt really weird because when I went on break, it felt like, I was like, "what is going on? I don't know where this came from." And you were like, "well, I wish I knew because actually, Dora changed her number, so it's not like I have those messages anymore." Well, I found those messages. Because you were like, "Well, I deleted them. I can't find them." I'm like, "well, that doesn't make sense to me." Huh?
Where did I have them?
On WhatsApp. Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah.
It's surprising that you use technology at work *sigh* and I happen to be better at it than you.
There's no need for those pointed comments. *slams door to bathroom and returns 5 minutes and 40 minutes later* Why did you feel it necessary to make a pointed comment then?
Because when I asked you when you said that you deleted it and you can't find it, part of me was like, can you just not find it, or are you just don't wanna find it, or maybe you found it and you just don't want to share it. And I'm like, I didn't even go out to find it. I just got bored, and I was like, "Let me try this." And it popped up immediately. I'm like, "Well, that was fast." How is it that you work with technology and I don't but I found it super easy? But when I asked you, but when you brought it up the other day and you were like, well, I hope— I wish I could find it, and you couldn't. So, yeah, so part of me feels very much confirming, like, "oh, it wasn't a 'can't find it'. It's more of a 'don't want to find it'." I literally just typed three letters and I'm like, "Oh, there it is. That was fast. What the heck?"
So do you want to talk about the messages or do you want to talk about my inability to find something?
You were the one that asked about it, love.
Asked about what?
Asked about "oh, why did you make the comment?"
Yeah, after you made the comment in the first place.
Because—
So was there a need for that comment, yes or no?
Because when you brought it up a few weeks ago, you said, "I can't find it." And that very much felt like, at the time I was like, "can you not find it or did you just not try?" And the fact that I found it super easy makes me think that you just didn't want to find it.
Well, good job on finding it. Thank you for that. So again, was there a need for that comment, yes or no? You wake me up, you say that you are spiraling, and I want to make space for you, and then you make a comment like that. Why is there a need for that?
I'm sorry, let me rephrase. Can I rephrase?
Yeah, go ahead.
You were the one who brought up, "if only I could find those chats, but actually she changed her number, so I can't and it's deleted now." Were you just saying that or did you just actually not want to bring it up or revisit it at all? Because it feels like it wasn't even tried.
I didn't try by putting in three letters, no. Because the way that I look for a chat is always just scrolling through the list or actually pressing the plus button to start a new chat, typing in the name. So when Dora changed her phone number, apparently...I guess it was in the archives? Archive chats?
Sure. Mm-hmm.
So yes or no? It's—
I said 'mm-hmm'.
No, you said 'sure' in the same tone that you always use when you're feeling like it doesn't even matter what I'm saying.
Sven.
Was it in the archive chats, yes or no?
I said 'mm-hmm'.
Which means?
Yeah.
Okay. Thank you. And again, thank you for finding it.
Sounds very sarcastic.
No, I'm not being sarcastic. Because at that time, I honestly had no clue where those chats were. And no, I didn't use that search bar or whatever. Because again, I usually find my chats just by scrolling through that list.
Let me repeat my question. It really felt like you didn't put effort into finding it. Was it really like a, "oh, I wish I had it genuinely" or was it more of a—
Genuinely, yeah.
"I actually like that I don't have it, so I don't have to revisit it?"
So what about a +49 number should scream to me "Oh, that is Dora"?
I just searched 'Dora'.
Yeah, and like I said, I never use that search bar.
I am—
You did— I did— Never—
—not trying to criticize the way you use WhatsApp. I am saying—
Then why are you?
I am saying that the fact that you didn't put a lot of effort into looking for it makes me feel like you didn't actually want to find it.
Then why are you criticizing it? Because that's basically what you started out with.
I'm not criticizing it. I'm saying—
That is what you started out with!
I'm saying it was super easy for me to find it.
Yeah, and for some reason, I am not even capable of finding it.
You work with technology!
There you go again. So what was the point of rephrasing?
It just doesn't make sense to my brain!
So the comment— there was a need to make that comment. Why?
Huh?
Why was there a need to make that comment then?
Like I said, it doesn't make sense to my brain. 'Cause it feels like, "wow, I found that super quick. How were you having trouble? Did you just not want to find it?"
I did want to find it, Kyla. I did.
Okay. *sighs*
So why is it that you went looking for the messages?
'Cause I was in there anyway, so I figured, "you know what? I remember this time from weeks ago where you said you couldn't find it. Maybe I can take a crack at finding it." And I did find it.
Mm-hmm.
Like I said, I literally was on your phone for, I don't know, four hours before I even tried to find it. And when I did try to find it, I found it in three seconds. And obviously, I couldn't help my curiosity and I browsed, and I'm like, "okay, oh shit, well, okay, I regret that now." Didn't even read specifics; I just went directly back to the end of July and I'm like, "okay, well, you keep talking about it and saying you don't know how it happened; let me see how it happened and—"
So why were you on my phone for four hours?
Hmm?
Why were you on my phone for four hours?
I got... very distracted just—
By?
—reading.
What were you distracted by?
Reading.
Reading what?
ChatGPT.
And why did you—
Because I remembered that you purposely hid it when we were in London, so I was wondering what you were trying to hide, and it turns out I was right.
Mm-hmm.
You do use it to respond to me. And you were so offended when I called you out that one time.
So you think all of our conversations are just that?
Hmm?
So you think all of our conversations are just that, with ChatGPT, then?
No, of course not. But I think that the messages that I— a lot of the messages that I felt were meaningful and I had put a lot of, I guess hope, on to, weren't even yours in the first place.
Can you [unintelligible], I'm sorry.
You send a message of what I said, and then ask for help and how to respond to it, and then basically 80% of that goes direct into the actual message. And all my messages are mine, all my words are mine, all my thoughts are mine, and it just feels like another version of outsourcing your thoughts, I guess, or your feelings, and having something else tell you how to feel. And I'm like, "so how much of it is actually your feelings" and how much of it is, "oh, this is how I'm supposed to understand these feelings" but it's not actually you making up your mind or realizing things yourself. It feels more like something else that you can blame if things went sideways, I guess.
Because when we talk about the end of July, a lot of the times, it feels like you're trying to say that "my friends convinced me of this" and it's part of the reason I brought up the whole "you're too easily influenced. You have to make your own decisions and make up your own mind and stand by it" because then when things went south and after the end of July, it's very easy for you to say "well, my friends convinced me of this". So will ChatGPT convince me of this? Will this convince me of this? I'm like— I need you to make up your own mind and make your own decisions because it's your life you can't always blame it on something else and so, are you just understanding things a certain way because that's how it was told to you by other things?
It makes it very —other things or people, AI or people, I don't know— but it makes it very unreliable because then it's more like "okay, so what's actually yours, Sven?" What are your choices? What are your decisions? What are your thoughts? What are your feelings that are not as told to you by someone else? And this applies to our dynamic as well, because you said that at this moment, I probably have the biggest influence in you right by Tim and Aiying, and I don't want that. I want you to have your own thoughts and your own feelings, and your own decisions, and your own choices. Like I don't want to have to tell you how to feel because I want to know what you actually feel.
But also, I guess it hurt a lot to read some of the mocking tone of some of those messages. In which, by the way, I'm referred to as "bitch" multiple times and laughed at for my struggles. That was a little disconcerting. There are two different matters, I guess. It's just my brain trying to juggle everything at the same time. *sighs* The only similarity between—
I can't understand what you're saying right now.
The only s—
I can't understand what you're saying right now.
Why?
Because once more, you're facing away from me.
Are you even trying to listen because you sound—
I am trying to listen, Kyla.
—very angry right now.
I am trying to listen.
Okay. Well, I'm saying that the only similarity between the two different issues that I was talking about, two different issues being end of July Dora texts and the whole AI 80% of your responses to me, are basically—
Yeah, 80%, sure.
Sven.
Yes, I'm listening.
I said, you send one of my messages and you don't even— you just ask for a response.
And you just rephrased it as: 80% of my messages—
Sven. Sven.
—is apparently ChatGPT, according to you. That is what you just said!
Because this is what I said earlier. I said, when you send the responses and they come up with everything, 80% of that goes into the message, into the actual message. I didn't say— I didn't mean 80% of all the messages. I'm saying 80% of the actual message.
No, that is exactly what you just said.
I meant 80 per— I just said 80% of the actual message when I was talking about it earlier. You're not even gonna let me finish what I was saying.
No, go ahead. I'm not interrupting, am I?
No, but you're not listening either.
I am listening.
No, you're getting ready to walk out.
Yes, I am listening.
No, you're literally getting ready to walk out.
No, I'm just not comfortable holding in bed right now while all I'm hearing is just another assumptions of things that happened, apparently.
Explain to me what are assumptions.
First, you say, "yeah, I see 80% of one message back in the response that you sent me."
Mm-hmm.
Then you suddenly rephrase it "80% of your messages".
Of the messages that you sent me that you run through ChatGPT?
Yes, 80% of it is ChatGPT.
So as I was saying before you fixated on that, the only similarity between the two different issues that I said, "well, there are two different issues, I guess which is the end of July Dora texts and the whole AI ChatGPT thing," the one similarity there is—
Oh, I forgot. It also hurt, by the way, to realize that apparently, that last message was co-wrote?
That last message? Be more specific.
At the end of July? Literally, you're like, "Oh, actually, Dora drafted this for me, I'm gonna send it."
So, I guess, two similarities between those two, aside from it telling you what to think or feel, is also it coming up with your words for you? Which kind of makes me feel very much like when you tell me something, how much of it can I believe? Because how much of it did you just discover through something else? Or is this just how you feel right now because something else told you this is how to feel right now?
And you think I would ever send something that I did not stand behind?
I think it's very easy for you to stand behind— I'm just going to cut that part and just say it directly. It just goes back to the whole how easily influenced you are.
And I am taking a break now. *walks out*
*sighs and attempts to self-regulate*
transcribing this actually hurt fresh because re-listening to it now, why was i the one being careful with his feelings? why was i taking all the sarcasm from him, apologizing and re-adjusting my words and tone, all while he gets to raise his voice and demand and interrogate my actions as i'm struggling to find the words to explain why his actions were hurtful and what frustrated me and worried me about its implications on our relationship? why did i have to do that when i was the one that was hurt and angry and betrayed and found out the extent of his deception? why was i the one adjusting?
also, sidenote: mentioned here, i actually sensed he might be using chatgpt to respond to my messages and called him out on it 5 months prior to this event. he denied it and i accepted it. he kept bringing it up later during arguments too that obviously i didn't trust him because how could i even accuse him of using chatgpt to respond to me. come to find out, 5 months later, I WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME. not only that, but he also used chatgpt to write the "poems" he used to send me when i was still in australia. i used to save every one of those and treasure them. they weren't even his words! and when he broke up with me, he didn't even bother to prompt chatgpt about what to say, just input my text and ask for a response and copy-paste that to me.
